


The Bridge Where We Met

by FionaBuzz425



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Attempted Kidnapping, Happy Ending, Homelessness, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-07-03 12:43:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15819111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FionaBuzz425/pseuds/FionaBuzz425
Summary: The world was a cruel place filled with cruel people that did cruel things. And from Dan Howell's perspective, the concept of death seemed much more appealing than anything else. He tends to find that things can become so hard that they no longer seem doable. Slowly over time the once happy soul has become this empty shell of a man. There surely isn't any hope for him, right?





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is just an introduction, the real story starts next chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just an introduction to the story, the real thing starts next chapter. 
> 
> Also, sorry if my notes are messed up! Some of them appear twice and I'm new to writing on here so I don't know how to fix it.

Hello everyone! Thank you so much for clicking on my story and (hopefully) reading it. I have been working on this concept for a really long time and I finally wanted to post it. The format of this story can be kind of confusing so I'm going to explain it. First off this chapter starts from Dan's POV and whenever you see **** it switches to Phil and vice versa. Not sure if I'm going to stick to that throughout the story but we will see. Also, while when this story starts it takes place in San Francisco, both Dan and Phil are from Manchester. I realized when I was writing that it was hard to tell if Dan was American or not but he isn't. I am American so you might see that in my writing, just letting you know. 

Something else is that I have never been to San Francisco myself so it probably wasn't the best city for me to use in this story but hopefully it doesn't affect the story too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this will clear up any confusion for future chapters.


	2. day 721

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter focus's on Dan but I promise we will get some Phillie action next chapter.

Dan's warm breath fogged the window of the bright San Francisco restaurant as he stared into it longingly. The thought of the colorful building enveloping him with warmth and the strong smells of various food seemed almost too good to pass up, but he resisted every urge and continued down the cold street. He tugged the sleeves of his now too small jacket over his hands in a weak attempt to warm them as he tried to block out any thoughts of the heated building he was turning away from. Dan understands by now that he would only be in the restaurant for long enough for his body to thaw, then after a few short minutes of luxury he would be kicked back out into the icy wind once the workers realized he had no money. That's all anyone ever wants these days, to have more money then they could count. Money for food, money for warmth, housing, good clothes. Well Dan didn't have that, or any of those things really. It sucked being a homeless 18 year old, whenever you begged for anything people always assumed you were faking, trying to get sympathy to get free things. If Dan got a dollar for every time someone accused him of faking his homelessness, he wouldn't be homeless anymore. 

Dan rounded the corner to the alley between the shopping center and a small coffee shopped called The Bean. While the dark alley way would scare most, it was Dan's "home" so to speak. He sat on the ground to the right of the massive dumpster, pushing it slightly to reveal the red brick wall of the coffee house behind it. All along the wall were little lines, each indicating a day of Dan's homelessness. He grabbed the small twig he used to make the lines and began one for today. Day 721, 9 more days until two years of living beside this stinky dumpster and fighting to live. Ever since he was 16 he struggled each day to keep himself alive, he honestly wondered if it were easier to stop fighting, to just let go. He clutched his stomach, dropping the twig on the ground as he did so. He was so used to the pain of hunger it barely bothered him anymore, so he clutched purely out of a need for warmth. Keeping his arms on his midsection, Dan stood up and crept to the widow of the coffee shop. Peering inside, he could see that the store was filled with many people, so he continued to walk out of the alley and into the shop. 

A little bell dinged as he walked in, he hated that bell. A small signal that always drew everyone's attention to the door whenever it sounded. He hated how he felt everyone's stares burning into his face, judging his clothes, or his hair, then they turned away after a brief glace to get back to whatever they were doing. The whole thing only took a few seconds but it felt like hours. Also, the bell was a public reminder that he was a customer, one who was supposed to buy things. Dan could easily imagine the scenario, he would walk in on weekends or for breakfast before a long day of work, buy a coffee and some pastries, and sit by the window as he ate and drank, watching the world and the time go by. But alas, that is not why he is here. 

Dan stepped further into The Bean, feeling the warmth hit his body as he made his way to the restroom in the back. After waiting for the person occupying the bathroom to leave, he made his way in, locking the door and turning to face the mirror. God he looked bad, he looked more and more terrible each day he came in here and stared into his reflection. He used the toilet and washed his hands, then he took his hat, hoodie, shirt, shoes, and jeans off. After making sure the water was warm, he wet some paper towels and began cleaning himself off using the hand soap at the sink. He rubbed his body with the soapy paper towels and watched as the grime slowly scrubbed away. Then he dried off and stuck his head in the sink, washing his knotted hair, trying to ease the large tangles with the soap. Once all of it was washed out, he squeezed strands of his hair to get as much water out as he could and put his hat back on, along with all his other clothes. After sticking his hands in the heated water one last time to warm them, he then left the bathroom and sat at a small table by the garbage. 

As gross as it was, the garbage was always Dan's friend. He could always rely on a garbage can to get himself food, since it was free and was probably going to a waste land anyway. It just so happened that today was Dan's lucky day. A middle aged mother had two young kids, both of which had cookies and other little things that they only got because it had pretty colors. The cookies that were only bitten once each were all thrown into the small garbage can as the three of them left. Looking around to make sure no one was watching him, Dan crept to the can and pulled out the uneaten treats. He sat back at his seat and ate in peace, this was the most food he has had in a while. 

Dan looked up at the clock on the wall, 12:34 pm. The day was barely halfway over, but if felt like it had been going on forever already. Dan's days always began the same way, he would wake up to the sounds of early morning rush hour traffic, then go for a walk to the library. Dan would spend hours each day at the library, it was one of his favorite places. Since he hadn't been in school since he just turned 16, the library was his only source of knowledge. It always opened really early, and even if it wasn't open, the kind librarian Mrs. Kentwood would let him in anyway. She was the only person who knew about Dan and the things that had happened to him, and he even considered her his best and only friend. Aside from reading every book he could get his hands on to pass the time, he also used the computers to look for jobs. A task which proved to be a great challenge due to his lack of high school diploma and other basic things, like a resume. 

"Hey honey, how's it looking today?" Mrs. Kentwood had asked him that morning as he mindlessly scrolled through the website for employment. 

"Uh.. not great," he replied. Truth to be told it was going horribly. He had been looking for jobs on various websites for a whole 7 months now and nothing seemed to work out. What was even worse was that he couldn't accept jobs that didn't require high school diplomas because he had issues with some of them in the past.

"Look," she said, placing a small biscuit from her lunch on the table, "I know you have been searching for a long time, but I know there is some place out there that will be perfect for you. You are an amazingly sweet boy who doesn't live a fair life, there are places that can accommodate that you know?" She said.

"I know, I know," he said looking down at his lap, "but I can't go to those places and you know why."

"Yes, I understand," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder, "Well, I'll leave you to it."

Dan knew that every day for the past 7 months he had felt rejected, but for some reason, today he felt even more then hopeless. This feeling of emptiness wasn't new, in fact, it seemed to only be getting stronger and stronger as the days went on. He left the library early to wash up at the coffee shop like he always did, but at 12:34 pm, when he looked up at that clock only to find that there were still many more hours of suffering in this day, it struck something within him. 

Everyday, he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. From the fact that he doesn't have a house, a family, new clothes or shoes, money, food and so many other things it feels like the giant boulder he is already carrying is getting heavier and heavier. Most people carry this boulder for a short time and then they can put it down. Everything works out for them and they no longer have to hold that large rock. But Dan has it different, he has been carrying this rock for almost two years. Each day it would get worse and worse, more and more difficult to hold. Well now Dan is tired, he is tired of trying to keep up, he just wants everything to end. So at exactly 12:34 pm, he decided something that would change his life forever.

He was going to end it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was part one of "The Bridge Where We Met" and I hope you enjoyed it. The next update should be soon but I start school tomorrow so my schedule will become very busy quickly. Also I haven't edited this chapter so sorry for any errors you see.


	3. early mornings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally starting with a Phil POV :))

Phil was not looking forward to today. He knew when he woke up that morning at 4 am sharp that it was going to be a long day. Actually, he'd been dreading this day for a couple weeks now. Ever since his boss told him he was traveling to San Francisco to represent the company in an insanely important meeting, he had been anxious about this day. For the past two weeks, Phil had been restlessly preparing for the 7 hour meeting he had ahead of him. 

The thing was, Phil enjoyed his job, he really shouldn't be complaining. Most of the time his job was so easy it didn't even feel like work, and not every 22 year old could say that. He worked as a radio presenter for a company called the BBC. Recently, the company started broadcasting the segments on their website, along with other little prerecorded news clips. The site actually became very popular after a short period of time, thus leading to more media being posted on it. Currently, they were trying to partner with another company called "In Other News". Basically their whole premise was showing off that with all the bad things that happen in the world day to day, there are also many good things. It was supposed to get people to stop seeing the world as a place that is filled entirely of bad people doing bad things. This deal would be huge for the BBC, and for Phil for that matter. They would pay for him to fly around the world to see amazing sites, interview people who do great things, and much more. In Phil's show, he always encouraged being kind and doing the right thing. Phil guessed that's why they choose him to represent the company on this one, but that didn't mean he did not dread the interview. 

Even though he was mostly here for the possibility of getting a new project, he had a plan to film a professional intro that would really draw people into the show. One thing he knew from years of working in the media, is that people tend to watch things that hook them right from the first opening frames. Phil imagined that if this show idea became a reality, it would blow up. Of course, the only way any of this would work is if the whole "getting the project" thing happened, but he was pretty confident it would. So confident, in fact, that he had an entire film crew coming in to help with the beginning parts of the video. He could picture it clearly, the morning hours of the bustling city going on around him as he walked around different areas, the sun rising in the background. A voice over, explaining the show and why differences were good, plays over the views of the city. Phil knew it would be a hell of a lot of work to put together, but it would make the show so worth it in the end. He also had the film crew helping him out for the intro scenes, which he could admit would make things a lot easier. 

Since he had plans on getting the sunrise, he had to wake up hours before he usually would. He had to be at the studio at 5:15 so that he could explain his ideas, hopefully well enough to get a good picture in their heads. Once that was done he would possibly get is hair and put on (just a little) makeup. He would probably do the voice over next so they had an idea of how much they needed to film. They then could plan all of the locations (even though Phil had a rough idea of the places he wanted already) and head out to start shooting. Once the filming was done, all the clips would be sent to Phil for him to edit together. By the time all that was done it would probably only be about 7:30ish, so he would have time to edit some of it and show what he had at the meeting, which was at 1 this afternoon. He had a secret plan that if he showed that he was already putting effort into the project, that he would get it. It was most likely a stupid idea, but it was one worth trying. 

He got out of his uncomfortable hotel bed and headed to the shower. Stripping off his pajamas as he stepped into the warm water, dulling the pain of his tense muscles. There was something about hotel beds that made him constantly uncomfortable, but he knew he would only be here for a few more days. He took a slightly longer shower than normal, attempting to wake up slightly. After massaging the shampoo and conditioner out of his ebony hair, he stepped out and dried himself. After changing into a few comfortable layers and drying his hair, he went down to the hotel's breakfast place. 

He checked his phone, 4:43, still plenty of time left. He sat in the restaurant window, some cereal and toast in front of him with a coffee in hand. It was still dark outside, so looking out the window didn't really do anything. After playing a few games of crossy road on his phone, he got an uber to the studio. He did have a car, but he knew he wouldn't be going to the studio after filming, so it was much easier just getting dropped off.

Phil always had a set schedule in his mind of how things were going to go, so it put him slightly more at ease when his predicted schedule from this morning was almost spot on. The first thing they had him do was the voice over, which he already had a printed copy of the script ready for use. He stepped into the soundproof room, nothing in it other than a chair, a stand for the script, and a microphone connected to some headphones. The actual recording took a few takes as Phil, unsurprisingly, fumbled over a few words. The whole thing only set them a few minutes behind schedule. 

The seemingly minor timing issue actually became much bigger and they had to rush through hair and makeup. So much so that the makeup artist had to go in the car with him to finish up before their first location. The whole team fit in about 4 cars, and they got to the first place just as the sun was rising. 

The place Phil got a permit to film at was actually a large park in the middle of the city. It was large enough that they could get lots of artistic nature shots without making it look like the same shot over and over again, but it also was small enough that they could get around it quickly if need be. In Phil's opinion, it was the most perfect spot he could have chosen, even though it did take forever to get the permit. 

To give the video a "candid feel", Phil had a plan to just go for a walk around the entire park and let the camera people get shots when they felt appropriate. In total there were three people recording, but there were also people that held large silver screens to reflect the light and all the other crew were there as well. 

Phil took a deep breath as he began his walk. He knew he needed to be relaxed in order for this video to give off the vibe he was going for. This was the easy part of today, he thought to himself. All he had to do was walk around a beautiful park and look curious, excited? Oh god he really didn't know how he was supposed to act. He just shoved his already cold hands into his pockets and continued on his journey. 

Every couple seconds, someone from behind the camera yelled out, "CUT!" and they would switch the camera angles, or do hair and makeup touch ups. The wind wasn't strong but it defiantly blew. It not only resulted in his hair getting messed up slightly, but also his nose and cheeks would turn pink from the cold. The makeup artist, who Phil found out was called Hallie in the car ride, would walk over and add some concealer or something like that. Honestly, Phil didn't understand it, and he was not going to question it. 

Even though they did start a little late, they finished earlier than expected. The original estimated time was 7:30 and it was currently 7:48. Phil felt relief wash over him as the words, "That's a wrap" were being uttered. The footage and voice over would be sent to him within the next hour so he could put it all together, and hopefully in time for his big meeting. Hard to believe it was only about 8 o'clock, Phil was already exhausted. At least he had some down time in his hotel before he had to do anything else.

The next couple hours went by surprisingly fast. Phil had another shower, mostly because he didn't have any other way to get all that makeup off, and then he began editing. While most people he worked with despised the task, Phil found editing to be calming most of the time. There was something that was just so satisfying about putting things into a pleasing order and being able to create something amazing that was once nothing. Phil could honestly do it for hours. 

And he did. He worked until about 11:30 and then he went out to get some lunch. After packing everything he needed in his car, he began driving to the building where his meeting was held. The meeting wasn't for another hour, but judging by the traffic, he knew he needed the extra driving time. 

Phil drove his way through the city, blaring his "pre-interview" playlist he made to calm his nerves. He made his way to the Golden Gate Bridge and holy crap was there traffic. It was the middle of the day, why was there still traffic? Phil was just too worn out to question it. But one thing's for sure,

he was going to be stuck here for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Phil's on a bridge, and the title has a bridge, I wonder if the two bridges correlate in anyway ;00
> 
> In all seriousness though, thank you for reading! I actually didn't love this chapter when I first started writing it but I made a promise to get it out so here it is. I might go back an edit it later, but you will see a trend of me leaving my work unedited. 
> 
> Next part should be out soon, I really need to start piling these chapters up now before I get busy or else I'll never get to post on here. See you all later!


	4. the jump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter where we switch POV's within the chapter, once again you will see **** when it switches. We start off with Dan's POV.
> 
> TW: slight suicide attempt in this chapter

Dan's once steady breathing picked up rapidly as he darted out of The Bean. The cold wind nipped at his face and fingers, but he could no longer feel the slight sting of the harsh blow. It was almost like he had lost control, his limbs moving on their own accord. It felt like he had been possessed, his body felt as if something else was controlling it. The almost tingly feeling had his brain going haywire. 

Then the dizziness started to set in, causing Dan to struggle moving in a straight path. His chest started cramping up but it didn't matter, he knew he was almost there. He was so close to his ticket to freedom, the key to letting go of his struggles, he just knew it. 

After what seemed like forever, he made it to the giant red structure, world famous for its beautiful view of the bay around. Today however, Dan wasn't here for the view. 

He began walking towards the middle of the bridge. By now he had completely lost feeling in all of his body, and his mind was slowing down to the point where he couldn't hear his own thoughts anymore. 

When he felt far enough out, he turned toward the fence that kept people from falling. Or at least "normal" people who, unlike Dan, had no intention of falling off. 

He climbed up the fence and stood up on it, his hand holding on to a light pole that was just beside him. From this angle, everything hit him. He stared into the dark blue abyss and thought, this is it, the end of his suffering. It had been too long, far too long for him to be on his own. As a child he wished he could run away, and now all he wanted to do was go away forever. He was a waste of space. He breathed air that successful people should be breathing instead. All his life he was told he was worthless, and he never truly felt it until now. But buried deep underneath all his hatred and self doubt, there was an inkling of fear. What would it be like to not live anymore? Would the feeling of death overtaking his limbs be painful? These were questions he wouldn't get the answer to unless he jumped, but he hesitated.

No, he just had to do it. Forget fear, these past two years have been the worst years of his life. If anyone else had gone through what he did, they would get help, but there was no "getting help" for him. He was broken, more then broken, almost completely shattered. He felt like a broken vase, he could try and get help but he would still never be the same. And who was he going to tell anyway? Ms. Kentwood was the only person he knew, and it wasn't like she could do anything about it anyway. Dan wasn't a citizen of the U.S, if she got him help people would know he was here and he would get deported. Then he would just be alone a lot closer to home. Dan honestly doubted that would be a better life then the one he lead here. 

So without another thought, Dan let go of the pole, and began to jump. 

****

Phil was getting irritated. He had been sitting in his car for about 45 minutes now, and he was only about 1/3 of the way over the bridge. His so called "calming playlist" wasn't doing anything for him right now. His palms became sweaty as he gripped the wheel, his knuckles turning white. This absolutely sucked. Here he was all confident this morning after making an amazing intro, thinking he totally had this interview in the bag. Now all he was telling himself was that he was going to fail and make a fool of himself. Why was his mind like this, it was so irritating. Phil looked out the window at the water to hopefully calm his nerves. What he saw however, was not calming.

Up on the railing, a young boy with dark brown hair was clutching the light pole, looking into the water. To most, it just looked like he was a daredevil teenager testing the boundaries of what he could do. But there was something about his face. Though Phil could barely see it due to his position in the car, the look of complete emptiness was defiantly plastered in the man's expression. He was going to jump, Phil knew it. 

Now it was a risky move what he decided to do, but it was all very quick thinking. He scrambled out of his car and tried to maneuver through the rows of other cars lined on the bridge. He was going to try and stop him. 

Even though Phil had no idea who this person was, he had the strong urge to help him. He looked so young, too young to loose a life. 

"Hey! Stop!" Phil cried out, hoping the man would hear him and turn around. When he didn't Phil knew he had to get over there fast. He darted by the last car and frantically climbed the fence to get to the sidewalk. 

After falling to the concrete floor when he didn't stick the landing, Phil jogged to the now expressionless boy. Phil could see it now. The boy was arguing with himself in his head right now. He so desperately wanted to let go and fall, but something was stopping him. Was it fear, Phil didn't know. Slowly the boys knuckles started to retract from the pole and Phil knew what he had to do. He ran over to the fence the boy was standing on and reached out to grab his hand.

****

Almost as soon as he felt himself jump he was pulled back down again. He almost lost balance until he used his left hand to grab onto the pole again. He looked over and in his right hand, was the hand of another man. The man had the bluest eyes that he felt were piercing his soul (in the nicest way possible). His jet black hair was styled into a quiff, and he was wearing a fancy suit and some black glasses. 

Dan just stared in awe. He had no idea what just happened. 

****

"Hello, I'm Phil. Will you please get down, I don't want you to get hurt," Phil didn't even know what he was saying, but he knew he had to establish a trust with the mystery man so that he would get down.

When the man just looked confused, Phil spoke again,

"Listen, I know you don't know me, but I need you to trust me."

Realization flashed in the brown haired boy's eyes and he instantly looked scared.

"That's what he said, he said the same thing too!" He started screaming, thrashing to get Phil's hand off of him. Phil had no idea how to react.

****

Horrible memories flashed through Dan's head. It reminded him of the reasons why he needed to jump. He began to hate the feeling of the other mans hand on his, it felt too familiar. Dan began trying to swat away the strangers hand. 

After a few short moments the man let go, stepping back. Dan started to jump again when he heard Phil's voice.

****

"Please, please don't jump. I'm sorry I touched you, I can see you don't like that. I just want to help, please get down from the railing." Phil was practically begging the stranger at this point, but it didn't matter, he was willing to do anything to save this man. 

He turned around and looked into Phil's eyes. He knew the boy was trying to decide if he should trust him or not. 

"How about you get down from there and I take you to get food, then I can take you back to your house." Phil asked.

The boy shut his eyes and took deep breath. Phil reached his hand out, giving him the option to take it or not. The stranger slowly grabbed his hand and Phil helped him down from the bar. 

Almost immediately the boy melted to the ground, his legs giving way as he landed with a thud. Phil offered to help him, which he agreed to, and Phil helped the boy to his feet and walked him to his car. Every car in the lane drove around his car, there were people honking but he didn't care. As he helped the boy's limp body into the passengers seat, Phil asked what his name was.

"Dan," he replied weakly. 

Phil nodded, Dan. He looked like a Dan. 

He got into the drivers seat and rerouted his GPS to the closest place to eat. Phil figured the poor boy had a panic attack and it drained all of his energy, so getting food was probably the best option. They made it off the bridge and looped around, driving back over again. It was much quicker going back and they made it to the restaurant in about 15 minutes. By now Dan could stand and walk with a slight limp, so with a little help from Phil they made it into the restaurant. 

Phil watched in awe as Dan devoured plate after plate of food. He was hesitant to eat at first, feeling bad that Phil was spending money on him even though they didn't know each other. But as soon as Phil made it very clear he didn't care about what he was spending, Dan began to dig in. Phil almost wanted to ask him to stop ordering things, but Dan did look strangely thin, plus he had an emotional afternoon so Phil just let him be. 

After eating, Phil offered to drive Dan back to his house. Dan looked slightly anxious at the offer, but Phil didn't pry. Instead they got in the car and Dan directed him to a small coffee shop. 

"You live in there?" Phil asked as they pulled up in front. 

"Uhh, not exactly," Dan replied.

"Oh I get it, it's a family business. Well please do me a favor and tell your family that you need professional help. I don't know what's going on in your life and it's not my place to know. I just don't ever want to see you trying to kill yourself ever again, ok?" Phil stated. Even though it was a question, it came out more as a statement. Dan nodded and got out of the car. 

Phil drove back to his hotel but felt as though he was missing something. He looked at his phone. Shit it was already 2:23. He was almost an hour and a half late to his meeting. If he left now he wouldn't get there for another hour, and by then he figured the people that were interviewing him would have left. Well there goes his chance at getting the biggest project of his life. He quickly emailed his apologies for missing the meeting claiming something "important came up", like anything was more important than this deal. 

Actually no, you know what? Phil shouldn't feel bad about missing the meeting. He saved a freaking life today. Phil could have stayed in his car, made the meeting in time, and gotten the project. But the thought of someone doing something so horrible when he had the opportunity to stop it was just insane to him. Imagine if he hadn't done what he did, Dan would probably be dead right now. Sure Phil would have his project, but then he would forever carry the shame of the thought that he was selfish and could have stopped the suicide but didn't. Phil had made the right choice. And maybe his boss didn't agree, he would probably get fired when he got back, but it didn't matter. He could find another job, but he could never get back another Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully the switches weren't too confusing for you guys. I am now realizing it really isn't Dan or Phil's POV but more of a third person view. When it switches it goes back and forth between what each person is thinking. I know it's confusing but I hope it doesn't stop you from enjoying the story! Also, unfortunately homework loads have picked up s I will update less frequently. But don't worry as I have a plan to update at least once a week!


	5. second chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So I created a new character today that wasn't in my original plan for the story and she swears a lot but I love her. Also this chapter is just Phil but next chapter should have some Dan (I don't really feel like I have to clarify this every time but this is technically a "phan" fiction so it feels weird to me to only write about one not the other idk).
> 
> Also thank you all so much for 100 hits. I thought like 3 people would read this but I guess not so that's pretty cool. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy this chapter!

Phil was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling of the dull hotel room. Since he never showed up to the interview yesterday, he had nothing else planned to do for the rest of his stay. He pulled his laptop out of his backpack, propping himself up on his pillow (obviously his own pillow, Phil doesn't trust hotel pillows). He might as well make himself useful on his now free day.

He went on to his email and tediously responded to each one. He was also emailed some footage to edit from Kelly, one of his coworkers. Kelly had always been really nice to Phil, she always helped him edit his writing (which was something he didn't feel he was particularly good at) and he edited her videos. It was a nice system they worked out and it honestly made things so much easier. This week, she had been assigned to film next week's weather report. Eager to do anything other than respond to emails, he began putting together the clips. 

After about 20 minutes of cutting and adjusting the video, his head started to hurt. Don't get it wrong, Phil loved editing, but the issue was this project was specifically run by the BBC. Usually if it was put together and produced by one of his coworkers, he could edit it however he wanted. But, when it was issued by the BBC there was an exact way they wanted it to be done. A way, in Phil's opinion, that took much longer than it needed to. 

Phil was considering stopping for a break when his phone began to ring. Normally, Phil would just let it go to voicemail since he was technically "working", but Phil was eager for a break so he got off his bed to get his phone. 

Phil felt his heart stop when he saw who was calling. The name "Mark Stephens" flashed on the screen, Phil's boss. He knew what Mark wanted to talk to him about. He probably heard that Phil was M.I.A. for the meeting that was set up for him, god Phil was probably getting fired. Mark was around Phil's age and was actually a pretty great boss, but he was insanely threatening when he was upset. He reluctantly put his phone to his ear and answered. He figured it would only make the situation worse if he didn't respond.

"Hello?" 

"You've got a lot of explaining to do, Phil," Mark said, his voice didn't sound exactly threatening. In fact, Mark didn't sound like he had much emotion in him at all.

"Yeah, um, I know I, like, missed the meeting and everything but-"

"How did you stop him?"

"Wha.. what?" Phil replied, taken absolutely off guard.

"The boy, the one you saved. How did you do that?"

"Uhh," it took Phil a second to think, "I guess I just tried to make him feel like he wasn't worthless? I don't know. I think that if someone wants to commit suicide they must feel pretty worthless so I guess I just went off that and-"

"Why?"

"Huh?"

"Why did you do it? You knew you would miss the meeting, why'd you do it?"

Phil sat down on his bed again. He combed is fingers through his hair and sighed. 

"In that moment I guess I felt like his life was more important than any meeting, no matter what it was about." Phil paused for a moment and switched the phone to the other ear.

"Wait, how'd you know I saved that guy?" Phil asked, suddenly confused how anyone knew about it, and why his boss wasn't mad at him.

"Have you been on the website? God Phil, what am I even paying you for?" Phil chuckled at Mark's ability to crack a joke to release tension, "You're story's all over the site, Phil." He continued.

Phil immediately grabbed his laptop and went to the website. Instantly pictures of himself taking Dan's hand and hugging him appeared all over his screen. Captions like "BBC Employee Phil Lester Saves Man From Bridge" and "Kindness Advocate Phil Lester Coaxes Suicidal Boy To Safety". Phil's mouth hung open as he gawked at article after article. 

"I guess someone saw you going it an filmed it, put it online or something and some people here wrote about it. You're story is literally trending I think. Anyway, I called because the people at "In Other News" heard about what happened and wanted to give you another chance. They want to come to you this time. I believe there is a coffee shop called "The Bean" about five minutes away from your hotel that they wish to meet with you at 6 pm today. Do you think you can make it?"

Phil looked at the clock on the bedside table. The numbers 5:12 were shown across it. 

"Yeah, I can make it. You said it was at The Bean, right?"

"Yes, please show up this time Phil."

"Don't worry, I'll make sure to be early this time."

And with that they bid each other goodbye and hung up the call. A smile slowly crept on his face. Now that the people who he was supposed to meet with know that he is a good person, there is no way he won't get the project. He was so giddy that he almost didn't realize his phone was buzzing again.

The name "Kelly" was on his screen, he instantly picked it up.

Before he could say anything, Kelly was talking.

"Oh my god, Phil. You, like, seriously owe me one. Mark was PISSED yesterday when he heard you missed that meeting. Yeah I was fucking sure your ass was fired."

"Nice to hear from you too, Kel." Phil said, chuckling at his friend's talkative nature. She was a very "wordy" person so to say. Phil also thought she was insanely smart with the most extensive vocabulary of anyone he had ever met. Still, he found that she often used her favorite words (which, yes, were all swear words) the most out of any.

"Literally the entirety of the BBC was talking about what happened, it spread like a fucking wildfire. When I heard you missed the meeting I knew there was a reason, I mean there is no way you would miss it without having a genuine excuse. You're lucky someone filmed the whole thing. I wrote an article on it and it blew up."

"Well you should be thanking me for the pay raise you're about to get," Phil quipped. He heard her laugh through the line.

"Yeah well it was a bitch to write. It was the quickest I've ever written anything, honestly I'm surprised it didn't have any errors. Speaking of errors how's my weather report coming along?"

"Actually shut up," Phil said, laughing, "You know I hate editing BBC style."

"Well free to do it your own way and watch us both get bloody fired," She replied. 

Phil laughed and then they fell into silence for a few moments.

"So who was the guy you saved?"

Phil remained silent. He didn't want to say everything that he knew about Dan. What if Dan didn't want anyone to know about this? It wouldn't be fair to him for Phil to start spreading the story of something so personal, so Phil chose his words carefully. 

"His name's Dan. He's pretty young I think. I just saw him standing on the ledge, so I went up to help him down. I don't really know all that much else."

Technically he wasn't lying. He really didn't know all that much more about him. Phil just didn't feel the need to explain how drained Dan was after he got off the railing, or how thin he looked, or how worn out his clothes were, or how he completely devoured plate after plate of food at the restaurant afterwards. All those things dug into Dan's life a little too much in Phil's opinion.

"Well, all jokes aside, what you did was fucking awesome. You totally deserve that show. Good luck at your meeting," She said, her voice sounding more sincere than Phil had ever heard it. 

"Yeah, thanks Kel."

And they hung up. Kelly was a great best friend. She was funny, sarcastic, and sincere when need be. She could be annoying sometimes, constantly sending Phil videos to edit for her, but at the end of the day she was a good person that made Phil happy. 

Phil realized he should probably head to the coffee shop now. Even though he would be insanely early, he really couldn't afford to miss the meeting for a second time. 

After about a ten minute walk, he arrived at the shop. Phil recognized the coffee shop as the one he dropped Dan off at yesterday. Maybe he could see him again and ask how he was doing. 

Phil ordered a caramel macchiato and sat at a small table by the window, pulling out his phone to pass the time. Butterflies filled his stomach as he waited for his potential interviewer to show up. This was his last chance at getting this project, and he prayed to God that he wouldn't screw this one up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this might be a little cringe but I'm willing to do a little Q&A type thing so feel free to ask any questions and I'll answer all of them. I don't really have a reason why I'm doing this but I guess when I'm reading phanfiction I like to know at least a little bit about the author.
> 
> Also from now on I'm going to try and post every Saturday so look forward to that, I'll see you all then!


	6. confessions

Dan was confused. He had felt this sense of unsurety since he was saved from the bridge. The past 24 hours had been a blur of emotions, all of which made Dan feel quite dizzy. After the man, Phil, dropped him at the coffee shop, he just sat at a table and stared into space. There was so much on his mind.

Why did Phil save him? They don't know each other, they probably won't ever see each other again. There was literally no reason why he should have done what he did. And also, why did he take the time afterwards to make sure he was fed and feeling better? It just didn't make sense.

Did he know Dan was homeless? Dan guessed it wouldn't be that hard to figure out. If the state of his tattered, dirty clothes and his knotted, brown hair weren't a giveaway enough, he was probably insanely thin. Maybe that's why he fed Dan? But then again, Phil seemed to assume that Dan's "family" lived in the coffee house, so there is no way he knew Dan's little secret. Nothing seemed to add up in Dan's head. 

In Dan's past, everyone he ever knew had turned on him. People seemed more like monsters than good human beings. Honestly, he had so many issues that his fucked up mind was probably broken into a million different pieces. He'd thought about getting professional help, and other than the fact that he couldn't afford it, he just didn't see how talking to anyone about his problems would do anything about them. 

But the thing was, Phil was different than all those people. Even though he had only interacted with him for a short period of time, Dan felt as though he could trust the ebony haired man. There was something about him that exudes kindness. 

And maybe Dan was wrong about this. Maybe it was just like all the other times were someone would lure him into their "trust trap" only to leave him even more broken than he was. Yet, there was something so genuine about how Phil told him to keep living and never think about killing himself again. It was so genuine, in fact, that Dan never ventured back to the bridge to try again.

He thought about it, he really did. He literally had nothing to lose. He had no house, no family, no money. He was only friends with one person and even then she is about twice his age. Plus, if he went back, he new Phil wouldn't be there to save him, so he could do it for real this time. But there was something about the way those blue eyes pierced his soul, he just sat in the coffee shop until it closed. 

He had dreams that night, curled up by the dumpster in the alley way. He had dreams of jumping off, falling to his inevitable death. Feeling the sharp sting of the water breaking around him as he hit the surface, then the short feeling of nothingness he felt before he woke up. He would stay awake, clutching his knees, shivering in the cool breeze. When he would fall back asleep, he would have the same dream, over and over and over again. They were always short, since Dan could only stay asleep for short periods at a time (it was safest). But even with their length, they would always be the same. Go to bridge, climb up bridge, jump off, wake up. 

But as the sun was rising and Dan closed his eyes for the last time that night, the dream changed slightly. It started the same, he walked to the bridge, his feet carrying him on step at a time as his mind went haywire. He got to the bridge and, just like the other dreams, he stood on the ledge, looking down at the dark liquid below. It was the same, the water swirling around, the wind brushing past him. But before he could jump, the warm hand of Phil grabbed onto Dan, pulling him off the rail and into a hug. 

"Please don't do it, tell your family you're hurting."

And then the dream ended. 

The small change was unsettling to say the least. Were his dreams trying to tell him something? Was his subconscious mind telling him to get help? Probably not, but still Dan felt like he had to do something. 

Maybe he should try getting out of the area.

For almost two years, Dan had been staying relatively in the same area and only bad things had come from it. Plus, he felt like he should go as far away from the bridge as he could, fearing he would have second thoughts and go back there to finish a job he thought he would complete not even 24 hours ago. Before he could go anywhere, he had to talk to Mrs. Kentwood. 

He made his way to the library after checking to make sure the sun had at least risen. The old building, even though he had been to it countless times before, was different now. Not physically, but in Dan's head, he realized that this would be a place he might never see again. It had been a sanctuary for him for the past year and a half. It served as his protection, and not to mention how Mrs. Kentwood had always supported and helped him the best she could.

He walked through the large doors and found Mrs. Kentwood sorting books by the desk almost immediately.

As he walked up to her, she turned around.

"Oh hello Daniel! I wasn't expecting to see you until later today."

"I have something really important to tell you," Dan said, looking down at his feet.

The 43 year old woman tossed her mousy, blond hair over her shoulder and adjusted her glasses. 

"Alright, what is it honey," She asked as she put the book she was holding down. 

"I.. uhh, I tried to kill myself yesterday."

He saw her small green eyes instantly fill up with tears. She gasped and reached her arms around him to hug his frail body.

"No, no, dear. Please don't do that. I can't imagine losing you. Goodness, no," she pulled her body away but kept her small hands on his shoulders, "What happened?"

"I went to the bridge after coming here. I was so fed up with living the way I do, never finding work, always being hungry. I just wanted the pain to go away," he hadn't realized he started crying until he felt her wipe a tear off his cheek, "I almost did jump too, but I was saved by a someone."

She started crying harder and began clutching on to him again.

"Don't worry. I won't ever do it again."

"That's good. I don't want you to ever think about doing such a thing to yourself. Oh god it's my fault. I should have helped you more. I knew you were struggling and I didn't do anything about it."

Now it was Dan's turn to comfort her.

"It's not your fault. It's everyone who gave me a shitty life's fault. You are the only one who has kept me from doing what I almost did yesterday sooner."

She nodded and dried her eyes with the back of her sleeve.

"Listen, I came to the realization that I need to get out of here. Almost everything that's happened has been here in San Francisco. If I ever what to get better I have to start by going someplace new and starting fresh. I just wanted to let you know I'm leaving, and I am doing this to try and get better."

She blew her nose into a tissue she pulled out of her pocket. 

"You're really leaving, I'm going to miss you."

"You're not going to stop me?"

"If you truly believe you will get better by doing this, then I fully support it. I've watched you suffer for these past two years and all I want is for you to feel happiness, if not one more time before you die. I'm afraid you haven't felt true happiness in so long that you will fall into that deep hole again. Just do whatever you can to get help, and you're always welcome back here if things don't work out the way you planned." She squeezed him in one more bone-crushing hug before they said their final goodbyes. 

Maybe it was wrong to tell her, she wasn't family, she wasn't someone who Dan regularly shared his problems with. But he felt like she was the only friend he had. Out of everyone in the entire world, she deserved to know. 

+++He spent the rest of the day wandering around the city. His feet hurt, but he disregarded the pain completely. This was probably the last time he would walk these busy streets, see the bustling shops, admire the way the tourists, all bundled up in their winter coats (even though it was only fall), wandered the city just as he is doing now, just with more awe. Would he miss it, probably not. But the fact that it had been his place to call "home" for the past two years was definitely something to think about. 

After walking around for a few hours, he decided to go back to the dumpster.+++

Dan walked back to the alley way. He had plans to stop by the dumpster one last time to see if he could get some food before he began his journey. Where he was headed, he didn't know. All he knew was that he needed to get out of here as fast as he could. 

He rounded the corner to the block with the alley, when the tall figure with black hair in the window of the coffee shop caught his eye.

Phil was sitting, talking to two other people seated with him in "The Bean", and he just looked at Dan square in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I can't believe I set up an upload schedule and then not follow through. I actually am going to say I will update every weekend because I realized my schedule constantly changes and limiting myself to Saturday isn't always going to work out. But anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as I said before, the next part should be up sometime next weekend. Thanks for reading!
> 
> EDIT: For people just reading this part now, I added +++ next to the part of the story I added later on. I realized some details of the story weren't adding up so I had to change it. Sorry if it bothers you!


	7. confessions pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I added a very small section to the last chapter because I realized some of the details of the story didn't match up. You can go back and read it if you want (there are +++ on both sides of it so you know what I edited in.
> 
> Also this is the longest chapter I have written and I can't promise it will happen again but I enjoyed writing it and I hope you will enjoy reading it!

Phil's foot tapped in anticipation. He had eaten through his muffin and drank about half his drink. On his computer, he pulled up the trailer as well as a copy of the article about saving Dan. Sure it probably wasn't the nicest thing to use someone's suicide attempt as a marketing strategy, but Phil only planned on talking about it if he was really failing his interview. 

He got up to throw his trash away, the bin being next to a giant clock on the wall. He turned to go back to his seat, walking and nearly knocking over a man wearing a business suit and a woman in a matching pantsuit. 

"Sorry, sorry!" Phil said, scrambling to regain his balance.

"Philip Lester?" The woman said, flattening her pantsuit.

"Yeah?"

"Hello Mr. Lester, we are Kyle Zaya and Rebecca Mell," the man, Kyle, said shaking Phil's hand.

"We are the representatives from "In Other Words", were so pleased to meet you!" Rebecca said, also shaking his hand.

"Hi, I'm Phil, or, I'm mean- you know that already," Phil said, scratching the back of his head. Rebecca giggled.

"Let's have a seat, we have a lot to discuss," she said, walking over to the table that had Phil's laptop on it. 

Wow good job Phil, it hasn't even been twenty seconds into this interview and you've already screw up. 

He sat down, Kyle and Rebecca were across from him.

"Mr. Zaya, Ms. Mell," Phil said, looking at each of them as the said their names, "I just want to start my apologizing for missing our meeting yesterday-"

"Oh it really was nothing-,"

"Rebecca, remember what I said about interrupting," Kyle said, looking at her sternly. Rebecca uttered an apology.

While Rebecca and Kyle both looked to be about Phil's age, he could tell that Rebecca was new to the company and she was here shadowing Kyle.

"Sorry about her, Mr. Lester, she gets excited sometimes," Kyle said, staring her down.

"Don't worry about it. And also, just call me Phil, Mr. Lester sounds too professional for me," Phil said with a chuckle. When both of them looked back at him with confusion he continued.

"I mean, I guess if I was older the title would be more fitting, but I'm only 22. How about we stick to a first name basis, yeah?"

"Uh ok," Rebecca started, "then you can call me Becca."

"Rebecca don't be silly, this is a meeting which is a professional setting." Kyle said, lightly clapping his hands together. Phil simply chuckled again. 

"Listen guys, I know you're used to the whole "be professional during meetings" and all but that's just not for me."

"What do you mean?" Becca said, resting her elbows on the table.

"Think about it, how many meetings and or interviews have you done?" Phil asked.

"Oh man, at least 20 this month," Kyle said, sounding slightly more interested in the discussion than he had before.

"And how many times have you said the same things, acted the same way, trying to be professional?"

"Every single time," they both said in unison, laughing slightly afterward.

"But here's the thing, how many times do the people you're interviewing say the exact same thing, act the exact same way, all "professional" or whatever? And how many times have some of those people gotten hired only to be fired later on when their true personality comes out and you discover they aren't as professional as they were once made out to be?" 

The two stared at Phil in awe.

"What people don't often realize is that by setting the mold for how things are always supposed to be, they are enabling other people to hide who they really are. And if I'm going to work with this company, I'm going to have to show you who I really am. I'm Phil, I'm a 22 year old who works as a broadcaster and editor for the BBC and I want to partner with your company to create a web series about people going good things for the world. And if you're like other people, you might be thinking that I'm pretty young to be thinking about how kindness impacts the world, but in all honesty, kindness doesn't have an age. Yes, there are awful things happening now, and yes, those things make the world seem like a scary place. But the truth is, people spend so much time focused on the bad things, they don't even realise there are good things happening too. That's why I want to make a segment proving to people that the world is still a good place," Phil paused as he moved his laptop so the screen was facing his interviewers,"I already filmed the intro and I thought I could play it so you can get an idea of what the show would look like."

The two instantly stared into the laptop as Phil's intro began playing. Both had big smiles plastered on their face, and Phil knew he won the interview. 

Phil knew this is the kind of moment his mother had prepared him for. As a young boy, she always drilled into him that being kind and ethical human being always led to great success. He sat back and smiled as he thought about how he had done the right thing AND gotten the interview to do the job of his dreams. Things really do pay off.

Phil looked out of the large window his table was by. The sky had become slightly darker as the beginnings of the sun began to set. People were moving, all at different paces, all going to different destinations. He continued gazing out the window until a certain head of brown hair caught his eye. 

It was Dan, he was walking amongst the large groups of people. His hands were in the pockets of his small sweater. He too was looking around, and for a split second they both caught each other's gaze. 

It was the briefest moment, not even a full second of eye contact, but it was definitely there. Dan immediately diverted his eyes, as if he was trying to avoid Phil's gaze. Before Phil could even process what happened, Dan disappeared behind a large group of people and was gone.

Even if it wasn't for long, it was good to see that Dan was ok, or, at least he looked better than yesterday. But wait, wasn't he wearing that same outfit yesterday? Phil didn't think it really mattered, it was only a small detail that Phil's observant mind was able to pick up. For all he knew maybe all of Dan's other clothes were dirty. 

Maybe once the interview was over he could find Dan and check in on him? Phil almost laughed at the idea. It wasn't his responsibility to look over Dan for the rest of his life and make sure he was ok. Besides, there are millions of other suicidal people in the world. Phil wished he could help them all, but sometimes saving someone who is already so far gone is impossible. Phil would know. 

Once he returned back to reality after his train of thought, he realised the video was coming to an end. At its close, both Kyle and Becca started applauding.

"You made that yourself? It's amazing!" Becca exclaimed, putting her hands over her mouth in excitement.

"I mean I did hire a film crew to help me out since I kind of made it all in about an hour, but I made the script and the concept and everything." Phil said as he wiped his hands on his jeans.

"This was made in an hour? If I had known you were this good at your job I would have just skipped the professional stuff and just hired you on the spot. God, and the editing is flawless too. We need to hire whoever did this to do some of our projects, would save us a hell of a lot of work," Kyle said. Phil smiled at Kyle's professional barrier coming down, it always made him feel great when he could get someone to be themselves.

"I actually did the editing for this," Phil said, blushing slightly.

"No way, this is great! Well you heard what I said, how about we partner our companies to make this dream a reality?" Kyle said, now leaning on the table. 

"Yea- I mean, like, yes I would love that," Phil said, the happiness in his voice causing him to stutter.

"Great!" Becca said, clapping her hands together, "How about we talk about how this deal is going to work and then we can make a contract, mail it to you for you to sign, and then-literally- get this show on the road!" 

Both Kyle and Becca had clipboards out as they all discussed the details. Basically all Phil asked for was money to travel places and maybe some better filming and editing equipment. Kyle said that they would probably talk to their boss and figure out exactly how everything would work, and then a contract would be sent to his flat in London. Phil was so happy that the rest of the conversation went by in a blur. He gave each of them another firm handshake before they all said goodbye. 

The first thing Phil did was call Mark, who he knew would be on the edge of his seat wondering if the deal was made. 

It only rang twice before he answered.

"Did you make it?" He said in a desperate, tired tone.

"You betcha," Phil said laughing, still feeling the adrenaline coursing through him. 

"Oh god Phil I couldn't sleep I was so stressed."

"Yeah I can tell, isn't it like 2 am there?"

"3 am actually. I can't believe you got it."

"You really doubted me?" Phil said, fake disappointment in his voice.

"Well I didn't know what would happen after yesterday. For all I know you would find a stray dog in an alley on the way to the coffee shop and that would distract you for god knows how long."

"Hey! I just like being nice to things, ok? And what I did yesterday was the right thing," Phil said, now leaving the shop and walking out into the now dark night.

"It really was. Congrats by the way, you really deserve this. I'll see you in two days. Your viewers miss you, I can tell."

"Thanks Mark I-"

Phil's thought was cut short as he crashed into another person, sending them falling to the ground. Upon seeing it was Dan's distressed face on the floor, he turned back to his phone and said, "Sorry Mark, I have to go."

***  
Dan had spent the past two hours hiding from Phil, waiting for him to leave that stupid coffee shop. Phil probably thought he lived there, if he saw Phil he would only learn the truth.

Little did he know that just as he thought he was safe he was running into the guy he was avoiding. 

"Dan, are you alright?" Phil's deep voice asked as he put his phone back in his pocket.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Dan sand getting up and shoving his hands in his pockets.

"I saw you earlier-"

"Leave me alone," Dan snapped and headed for the alley. Maybe that wasn't the right way to handle his feelings, but he honestly didn't care. Why he was trying to stay clear of Phil, he didn't know. He just felt like he needed to leave the city as soon as possible, and Phil might get in the way of that. 

He pushed the dumpster aside and scribbled one last line onto the side of the building. Just as he was finishing up he heard footsteps behind him, he tried to move the dumpster again but he could tell that Phil had already seen.

"Dan, what is that?" He asked, now staring at the hundreds of white lines carved into the bricks above.

"It's kind of like a calendar, it counts how many days I've been like this."

"Sad?" Phil asked sitting across from Dan.

"No, homeless," the words slipped past his tongue before he could stop them. He covered his mouth with his hands as he felt tears begin to prickle in his eyes.

'What?" 

"Homeless, Phil. Fucking. Home. Less. Do I have to spell it out for you?" God why was he angry again? Phil hadn't done anything to upset him, why couldn't he control his anger. 

All the sudden arms closed Dan into the most loving hug he had ever felt. He hated being touched but he could almost get used to this.

"Dan, I had no idea. I'm so sorry."

Dan started to tense up when the hug lingered for slightly too long. 

"Let go of me, I don't like being touched," he retorted. 

"Sorry, sorry," Phil said as he let go immediately. They both looked to the ground as an awkward silence fell over them.

"Hey, um, I know we don't really know each other, and you have no reason to trust me, but can I offer you some place to sleep tonight? I'm staying in a hotel near here, we can get something to eat and then head back there?"

Dan began to think. He was absolutely starving. The thought of getting a full meal in his stomach sounded like the most appealing thing in the world at the moment. But he wasn't sure if he could trust going back to that hotel with someone he didn't really know. Maybe he could get the meal and ditch if anything bad happened. That way he could begin his journey out of here on a full stomach.

"Ok," was all that he said before the two of them went off to a nice restaurant to eat. Just like the last time Phil brought him to get food, Dan ate more food than he had in a very long time. 

Phil didn't stop him either, he just sat and ate a significantly less amount of food next to him. 

They talked a lot too. It seemed like the most social interaction he had gotten ever, and to be honest, he was really enjoying it. It was nice to talk to someone who was close to your age and actually had interests other than books. 

It turned out Phil made videos and was here in America to get a deal with another company. Dan laughed so hard when he realized Phil was british.

"Wait, your not from America?"

"No! I live in London. Where did you think I was from with my accent?" He said with a laugh.

"I don't know! I guess I never really thought about it," Dan said, laughing so hard his face hurt. He had never felt this happy before. It was an amazing feeling, so much better than being sad all the time. 

The best thing was Phil never asked any personal questions towards Dan, most of the conversation was around Phil. Normally it would seem rude, but Dan really didn't feel like digging up his horrible pas for a stranger, and Phil seemed to understand that.

Even though they only had been talking for an hour, Phil no longer seemed like a stranger. They felt like old friends. Maybe it was because Dan had a past of trusting people too easily, but Phil seemed like a genuinely nice person. 

They got so lost in conversation that Dan completely forgot about his plan to leave after dinner, and didn't realize he forgot about his scheme until they arrived at the hotel. 

It was a very nice hotel, far too nice for the clothes he was wearing. But Phil didn't seem to care. All cares seemed to fly out the window until they got up to Phil's room. 

A room with only one bed.

Now Dan felt comfortable enough to come to the hotel with Phil, but he was NOT comfortable enough to sleep in the same bed as him. 

"I don't think I should stay here," he stated, "There's only one bed, I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable with sleeping in it with you." Dan felt almost guilty for uttering the words. Phil simply smiled.

"That's ok. I can go down and get another room for me, you can take this one."

"Oh, no Phil, I can't make you do that for me."

"Don't be silly, Dan. I'm not paying for this room, I can just get another on with my own money. It really isn't any trouble. Just wait here," Phil said, leaving the room to get another one.

Dan was taken aback. Never in his life had anyone ever done this much for him without expecting something in return. It almost seemed too good to be true. He knew deep down that he shouldn't trust Phil, sure he saved him but he could have had ulterior motives. But even then, he really wanted to trust and like him. 

Phil came back a few minutes later with another room key and some red, white, and blue pajamas.

"Sorry they're so patriotic, they were the only ones in the gift shop here. I would lend you some of mine but they're all dirty and I don't want you to have to wear that."

Dan slowly took the pajamas out of Phil's hands. He couldn't even imagine the last time he had a pair of pajamas. 

"Feel free to shower or whatever you want. I'll come back to this room tomorrow morning and we can talk about what's happening next. Get a good night's sleep." Phil said as he left the room, leaving Dan by himself again. 

Dan used the shower, his first real shower in almost two years. The water felt heavenly as he washed his hair and body with the best smelling soap he had ever smelled. After drying off with the softest towels, he slipped into the pajamas. It had been so long since he had changed out of his old clothes. It was nice to finally wear something that fit for once.

He climbed into the massive bed and tried to get comfortable. It had only been a few short hours and Dan felt the happiest he had ever been. He knew that it was probably not a good idea, but he was ready to give Phil his full trust. No only did he save his life, but he also fed him twice, made sure he was always ok, gave him a place to stay, and got him his first pair of clothes that fit. If it was all just a trap, there is no way he would do all of those things, not unless he truly meant them, Dan was absolutely sure of it.

After about an hour of tossing and turning on the bed, he picked up a pillow and a blanket and went to the floor. He was used to the feeling of hard concrete on his back, the bed was just too different. After a few minutes, he feel into a deep sleep, dreaming about the tall black-haired man who always seemed to save him.


	8. vulnerable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was posted a little late, this chapter was really hard to write and I didn't want to put it out until I was happy with it. Also TW: this chapter mentions character death.

Dan had a great sleep. Or at least, a great sleep by his standards. Like normal, he woke up a few times. When he was out in the open sleeping in short increments kept him safe, but now, he had a feeling of protection. Whether it was from being in the room or what, he didn't know. But one thing was for sure, Dan could easily get used to sleeping inside a warm room than on the cold concrete of the alley way. 

A soft knock was heard on the door. Dan looked at the small clock on the bedside table, 7:34 am. He got up from his little floor bed and opened the door.

Dressed in a t shirt and some skinny jeans with hair still messy from sleep, Phil stood there holding some clothes, a suitcase, and a backpack. 

"Hey, Dan," Phil said, voice still grovely from the morning, "can I come in?"

Dan nodded as the dark haired man entered the room.

"Why are there a pillow and blanket on the floor?" Phil said as he put his stuff down on the desk in the corner of the room. 

"The bed was too soft, I couldn't fall asleep," and upon seeing Phil's confused face, Dan chuckled and added, "I'm used to sleeping on concrete, remember? I haven't slept in a bed in years."

"Oh, right." Phil said laughing too.

There was a small pause, a comfortable silence that fell over the two of them as Dan went to pick up his blanket and pillow and return them to the bed. 

"Why are you here so early?" Dan asked, breaking the silence.

"Sorry, did I wake you up? I was going to wait but I've been up since 5 this morning," Phil answered.

"No, I was awake. Why were you up so early?" Dan knew that his sleeping patterns were for his own safety, but why was Phil getting up that early?

"Well, I... uh." Phil stuttered as he looked down at his hands. 

"We need to talk," He said, finally looking up.

Dan felt his heart stop. Nothing good ever came after "we need to talk". Dan knew this would happen, he would trust Phil too much like he always did and then Phil was going to leave him and he would be forced back to the alleyway and live a miserable life again. It had happened too many times before, and Dan just let it happen again. 

"I'm scheduled to fly back home today, which means I can't pay for your hotel room anymore. I could find a homeless shelter or some place that could take you in. I promise Dan, everything is going to work out."

Dan sighed. He knew Phil was only trying to help, but he couldn't help getting angry again.

"Don't you get it, Phil? Why do you think I haven't been to those places before? I'm not supposed to be in this country! I'm not a citizen, my stay here is technically illegal! If anyone, and I mean ANYONE find out that I'm here then I'll really be in trouble. So just stop trying to help because clearly you don't know what your doing!" Dan yelled. He felt insanely guilty as the harsh words escaped his mouth. All Phil had done was try his best to make Dan happy, and Dan was just being a mean and horrible person. 

Instead of getting mad, Phil did something completely unexpected.

"You're right," he said.

"What?"

"You're right, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing here. I've never known anyone personally that was homeless, especially so young. I have no idea how to help you. Also, I barely know you. You know way more about me than I do you, and that's ok and all, but at the same time I have no reason to help you because I don't know who you are." He paused and took a few steps towards Dan, "And when you were standing on that bridge only two days ago, I didn't have to help you. I had a meeting to go to, in fact, I missed that meeting just to save you. But why? Why would I sacrifice the whole reason I'm on this trip just for some random boy about to kill himself? It's strange, really." Phil turned around and sat in the chair by the desk, Dan took a seat on the bed.

"You opened up about being homeless to me yesterday, so now it's my turn to be vulnerable and open up about something too. My younger brother, Jayden, was always a happy kid. He's two years younger than me, and I always remember how infectious his laugh and smile were when he was younger. Like, when we were kids, he was always laughing, and I would laugh too for no reason just because his smile was so contagious. But when he got to year 10, his smiling, kind of.. stopped. No one really picked up on it either, which looking back is kind of crazy. " Phil took a deep breath.

"One day, I got out of school early and wanted to pick Jayden up from school as a surprise. We went to different schools at the time. I drove to his school and walked in to go to the office, and that's... that's when I saw it."

Dan could tell that Phil was shaking now. He got off the bed and sat on the floor in front of Phil, grabbing his hand and drawing soothing circles with his thumb.

"He was being cornered by a bunch of big guys, they weren't doing much, just poking him and maybe calling him names, but it wasn't anything too physical. I went over and broke it up. After the guys left Jayden said they were his friends and they were just playing games. I was 17, I was smart enough to know he was lying, but I did as Jayden said and ignored it. But then things started to add up more and more. The way he always seemed to be sad, how he would often come home limping, saying he tripped and sprained his ankle in the hallway at school. I secretly knew what was up, but I didn't do anything about it. I guess I just figured if the bullying got out of hand he would do something about it himself. He never did though, and things just kept getting worse and worse for him. And one day, I don't know what those little shitheads did to him but... he-uh, he had to go to the hospital." Tears were running down Phil's face now, Dan used the sleeve of his pajamas to wipe them. He wasn't used to comforting other people, but this feeling deep inside him didn't like seeing Phil sad.

"He was only in the hospital three days.... three days and then he was gone. It was internal bleeding. I heard stories about how those kids got him so bad, I heard they stole one of their older brothers cars and hit him while he was in the parking lot, I heard that they just beat him so bad all he could do was lie there and take it. It was so awful, hearing rumor after rumor from the whole town. People always asked me extremely personal questions about what had happened, questions that, even if I wanted to answer, I didn't have the answers to. The kids got him when no one else was there. He was only 15 too. The worst part was I had the chance to stop it. I knew it was going on. All I had to do was tell my mum, or even take to Jayden about it himself, but I never did."

Phil had to stop taking and cry a little bit. I rarely talked about his brother, in fact, this was probably the first time he had truly talked about him since he passed away 5 years ago. Kelly knew, but she didn't know the details. The story he told her was that his brother had a medical complication and passed away. Honestly Phil didn't know why he trusted Dan so much. But the boy sat and wiped his tears, listening to every detail of the story as if they had known each other for years. After Phil calmed down slightly, he began talking again.

"After I found out he died, I knew instantly that those boys were behind it. I told my mum, who told the school, who got the names of them. They were interviewed by the police and I guess they ratted themselves out. They didn't realize what they were doing could be fatal. The police came to our doorstep one night. My mum refused to hear what they had to say until my older brother, Martyn, and I left the room. To this day we have no idea what happened. My mum and dad refuse to tell us, so that's how I know it was bad. I also don't know what happened to those kids. But I honestly don't care because even to this day, the guilt looms over me that I never did anything."

"Phil, it's not your fault. You helped get the guys that did it to him. At least now your mum and dad have closure about him. I know I won't ever get to meet him, but he sounds like a great guy." Dan said. He had been through loss before. Sure, his didn't come with a lifetime of regret but it was loss nonetheless. 

"Thanks, Dan. And I know it's not my fault. It's the stupid kids that let their "light teasing" get out of hand. But it's too late to go back and do anything about it now. I've realized all this by getting help and talking to the people I love. I know you don't have any of those but the least you can get is some help." Phil squeezed Dan's hand. Dan knew Phil was right. He just didn't know how to get that help. 

"And here's the thing," Phil continued, "With this whole experience, comes a lot of self hatred and sorrow. To get past all that, I made a promise. I told myself, that I would never, ever refuse to help someone if I am given the opportunity to do so. That's why I saved you. I was physically capable of getting out of my car and stopping you, so I did. I know it seems crazy, but losing someone because some bullies didn't know where to draw the line is just so traumatic. The whole reason I push to show kindness is because I truly believe that the world would be a much better place if people were just kind. So I know my help might be a little much, and I'm sorry if I ever anger you with how much I try to make you happy. But I'm not going to leave you high and dry when I have now been given the chance to save you, like I could have done for my brother."

Dan didn't know what to say, so he just quickly hugged Phil. Phil smiled since he knew Dan didn't like touching people.

"I'm sorry I got angry. I get angry so easily and I say things I don't mean. I guess I've just been so mad at the world these past two years that I take it out on other people. I know you're trying to help. And it actually feels really good to know I have someone who cares about me. I'm just so used to everything going wrong and it's hard to believe that someone like you is willing to help me." Dan admitted. 

"I have a crazy idea," Phil said, a mysterious glint in this eyes, "Where in England are you originally from?"

"Manchester," Dan said, confusion rushing through him.

"No way, I'm from Manchester too!" I actually live in London now since it's closer to where I work but I go back home all the time."

"Ok, but what does me living in Manchester have to do with anything?" Dan asked.

"Come back to London with me."

"What?! Are you crazy!" 

"Yes, I know it's insane, but think about it. I just moved into a flat that is way too big for one person, you can stay there with me until you can get back on your feet. Plus, your from London so you can finally get a therapist or something to get some help. And once you've recovered a little bit you can get your own place if you want and you won't be homeless anymore. My whole trip is paid for by the BBC so I'm also not paying for my ticket, I can get you one and we can go back to London. How does that sound?"

Crazy, it sounds absolutely crazy.

"Do I have to decide this now? It's kind of a big decision to make."

"Well the flight is at 6 pm and we would have to get you a ticket so I guess I would need to know soon." The look of stress was apparent in Dan's face as Phil uttered the words.

"How about this, I'm going to go downstairs and get some breakfast. You can have some time to yourself to think. I went to a laundromat this morning and washed some of my clothes for you to wear. Put those on and meet me down there when your ready." Phil then left the room to give Dan some peace and quiet to make his big decision.

And how did Dan feel about the situation? Terrified, absolutely terrified. Sure, the whole prospect of Dan no longer being homeless was definitely appealing, but the idea overall was not very realistic. Dan longed to go back to England, it had been his home for 16 years of his life. And while those 16 years might have not been the greatest, Dan missed his homeland slightly. The whole thing (like most things involving Phil) seemed too good to be true. No longer be homeless, have a job, get professional help, and live with Phil? What was holding him back? The offer seemed to only have positives. The truth is, it was fear. Fear that if he goes back he will meet his past head on and not know how to handle it, fear that Phil might discover why he was in America and homeless without a family, and most of all, fear that once he was in London Phil would realize what a burden Dan actually was and would get rid of him. It had happened before, who's to say it won't happen again. 

Even with all of those fears, Dan knew what he had to do. He changed into the clothes Phil had left for him and went to the downstairs restaurant.

"Phil," He said as he reached the two person table Phil was sitting at, "I decided I'm coming with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one of the main reasons this took so long is because I had this chapter written on Friday and then deleted it all because I didn't like it. I decided that Phil needed to be a little vulnerable and added his brother into the story. He's not a major character so hopefully the story isn't too triggering but I still wanted to leave the warning anyway. A bit of a spoiler alert, but I'm planning on doing some flashback chapters later on and Jayden might appear sometime in those. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	9. the plane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to start this off by saying sorry for getting this up so late. I basically spent the whole weekend studying for a massive test I have tomorrow. Thanks for putting up with my horrible upload schedule!

Phil didn't really know what he was doing. Everything just seems so promising, giving Dan a home, helping him get back on his feet. And those things are all good in theory, but in reality there is no guarantee anything will work out. Life isn't perfect and there's bound to be a few bumps along the way, but Phil hoped more than anything that this worked out. Why? He didn't really know. He kept telling himself it was because of Jayden, but he couldn't help feel that there was something more. 

Phil had been up since 4 that morning, scanning the websites for a possible open seat on his plane. After about two hours of searching a seat finally opened up. Yeah it was expensive, but Phil hardly thought twice as he clicked the purchase button. At the time, he had no idea whether or not Dan would want to come with him, but it was worth a shot. Phil changed out of his pajamas and packed his suitcase. He looked up on his phone a laundromat that had opened just down the street at was only closed on Sundays. He knew Dan needed to wear some new clothes, and the ones in the gift shops weren't going to cut it. 

After cleaning some of his clothes to give to Dan and dropping them off in Dan's room to consider whether or not he would come back with him, Phil sat anxiously in his seat. He honestly was starting to question if getting that ticket was a good idea. All doubts washed away as soon as Dan uttered the words, "I decided I'm coming with you".

Phil's eyes lit up in excitement.

"That's great! I really didn't know whether you would say yes or not, but I really think everything is going to work out!" Phil exclaimed as Dan took the seat across from him. 

"I'm just... I think I'm just a little nervous, that's all." Dan said, looking at his hands, "I mean I haven't been home in almost two years, I don't- I, um... I really don't know what to expect." He stuttered. 

Phil gave a reassuring smile, even if Dan had not explicitly said he was nervous, Phil could tell he was by his stuttering. 

"It's ok, Dan. I understand why you're scared, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. If it will make you feel better I will pinky swear that I will protect you and help you to get better."

Dan chuckled at Phil's promise, but even he had to admit, being protected by Phil did sound pretty nice.

"O- Ok," He stuttered out.

Phil held out his pinky while Dan stared at him in confusion.

"This is a pinky promise, mister! It is only the highest form of promises, if I don't keep it you can, like, cut off my pinky or something like that." Phil said, continuing to hold his pinky out. Dan couldn't help but laugh.

"Ok, ok, fine," He said as he held out his pinky, interlocking it with Phil's. They shared a moment of eye contact with each other, and, though it sounds cliche, Dan could have sworn it felt like in that brief moment of eye contact they looked deep into each others souls. It was at this moment that Dan felt it, he had given all his trust to Phil. 

It sort of took him off guard. That feeling to complete, utmost trust. It was weird. Dan couldn't remember the last time he felt this way. Maybe this was a good thing. He had some fucking awful trust issues, maybe this was the first step to getting over them.

That being said, he quickly realized that on the road to being ok again he had to take baby steps because being in that airport was absolute hell. 

Dan knew from the moment he walk in that he would have a problem with the place. The last time he was here, well, let's just say that really bad things happened the last time he was here. And while he knew they wouldn't happen with Phil around, he still could feel that pit feeling in his stomach of fear. 

And not to mention how many people were there. Where there always this many people? Dan couldn't remember, but then again he was a slightly more normal person the last time he was at an airport. Obviously using the term "slightly" quite lightly as he was still pretty messed up at the time, but maybe not enough to notice how many people were there.

Phil could tell something was wrong. Dan wasn't usually "off guard" but now he was so "on guard" that he probably could qualify for a guard at Buckingham Palace with how he was eyeing his surroundings. 

Dan pressed his side to Phil's, and while the position wasn't the most sufficient for an airport, Phil didn't dare move. He could tell Dan just needed the reassurance of Phil's presence. 

Dan's breathing started to pick up while they were waiting in the long line at security. The breaths were long and shaky, and his eyes were blinking rapidly. As he was pressed up to Phil, he could tell Dan was shaking. 

"Dan, are you ok-" Phil asked before Dan's knees buckled and he fell to the floor.

"Lots....people...too....much," Dan tried to get out through his shaky breath, tears were now streaming down his face. 

Phil thanked every God that he didn't believe in that he had decided to check in his one suitcase because it made helping Dan to his feet and getting him out of the line so much easier. 

Phil lead them over to the water fountain and sat Dan on the ground. 

He looked around and saw a man walking into the male restroom.

"Excuse me, Sir. My friend is having a panic attack and it's getting really bad. Could you go into the restroom and get me some paper towels?" After the man nodded Phil told him to be quick and then sat next to Dan on the ground. The man returned a few seconds later with the paper towels and Phil thanked him as he damppend one of them with the water fountain. He placed the wet paper towel on Dan's forehead and used the other one to wipe his tears. He was probably causing a scene but he didn't care. 

"Hey Dan, it's ok. You're alright. Everything is ok."

Phil continued to softly calm Dan down until the boy's breathing went back to normal and he was no longer crying.

"Thanks, Phil," Dan croaked, his voice hoarse from crying. 

"It's nothing," Phil said with a smile. He got up off the ground and held out a hand for Dan to take, "Let's get back in line, we have a plane to catch."

The two then made their way through the airport without any other complications. Some concerned passerbys stopped to make sure the Dan was ok. Phil answered for Dan everytime, which he was honestly grateful for. Talking to strangers didn't sound all that appealing at the moment. 

About an hour later they were finally sat on the plane, Phil in the window seat while Dan was in the middle. Dan's seat was originally a few rows in front, but Phil got the person sitting next to him to switch so Dan could be with him. 

Before the plane took off Dan could feel his nerves again. He had forgotten what being in a plane was like. The first thing he noticed was how firmly his arm was pressed against the stranger's in the aisle seat. His breathing started to pick up again, but before he fell in too deep he heard Phil's voice.

"Do you want to switch seats with me?"

"Yes.. please," Dan answered.

The two switched seats and instantly Dan was put at ease. He felt Phil's arm against his, but unlike how he felt with the stranger, Phil's arm made him feel warm and protected. It was a good feeling.

The engine began to roar and the plane began to speed up on the runway. Dan felt the color leave his face, jeez he forgot how fucking terrifying flying in a plane was. He reached for Phil's hand, desperate to hold onto something. And just like every other time, the feeling of Phil made him feel comfort. It was strange, really. For the longest time the thought of anyone touching him was repulsive, but now he longed for it with Phil. He honestly had no idea what was going on. 

Phil held Dan's hand and didn't let go until Dan did. Phil had made the decision that he would always let Dan make the moves. He would try to comfort him if another panic attack were to come along, but he wouldn't touch him unless Dan had initiated it. If Dan was ever scared like now and needed someone to hold, he wouldn't let go unless Dan did. He never wanted to pressure Dan into anything, and he also wanted to make sure Dan constantly felt safe. He did make the promise, remember. He didn't know why he was so keen on making sure Dan was always ok, but it just felt right. 

After a couple minutes in the sky, Dan slowly let go and began looking out the window. He had forgotten how small the world looked from up so high. It was actually quite beautiful. Insane how someone can spend years thinking the world was an ugly place and then see it from a new angle that changes your perspective. 

Dan spent most of the flight looking out the window. Watching the world pass by was so amazing to Dan. Ever since he became homeless he has sort of been in this little bubble and only really focused on what he was going through. Seeing the world was just eye opening. 

But as "eye opening" as the world is, Dan found himself falling asleep quite easily. The plane seat was the perfect mixture of discomfort and space for him to get a nice nap. After resting his eyes for what he thought had been a long time he hears Phil's voice say,

"Dan, wake up. We're here."


	10. london

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided that I'm no longer going to have a time I upload these because clearly I can't stick to it to save my life. I swear it's not procrastination I'm just extremely busy and I don't always have the freetime to write. I will still try to aim for posting on the weekends, but the latest any chapter will go up is on Tuesday. 
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is kinda a filler chapter, I promise more juicy stuff happens within the next two chapters (I've already started writing them)!!!

London. It's the same as Dan remembered it. Even though it had been some time, he felt many old memories flooding back. Sure he had repressed most of his past experiences, but bits and pieces came back to him. Even though London isn't where he grew up, he had travelled to London every weekend when he was much younger, it was sort of like a second home to him. 

For Phil, London held a very big part of his heart. As a child, Phil had decided two things. One, he as soon as he was old enough he would move to London, and two, he would marry someone that he loved and they would live in London together. While he was only old enough to cross one goal off that list, he still stuck to that decision. It was never clear to him why London seemed to amazing, was it the views? The architexture? He honestly didn't know. All he knew was that moving into his flat and starting up at the BBC was the best decision he ever made. Phil was always one for set plans. He often did spontaneous things, yes, but in his opinion sticking to a set list of things to be done was the most efficient tactic in life. 

That being said, he is now adding Dan into this perfect little life equation he's built for himself and he's honestly not sure if he can do it. The idea of taking Dan, a practical stranger, and flying him all the way back here to live with him was starting to sound really insane. But it was too late to turn back and change it now. And Phil doesn't think he would change it if given the chance.

The two had made if off the plane and got a cab within the next hour. Phil watched as Dan stared out the window. An unclear expression, maybe awe or worry, was placed on his features. 

Phil put his hand on Dan's shoulder, even though he wasn't sure whether or not Dan was actually nervous, he felt the urge to comfort him in some way. Dan slightly flinched at the contact but quickly relaxed as he knew it was just Phil. Phil wanted to ask where Dan's hatred of being touched began, but he knew it wasn't his place. He slowly removed his hand as Dan smiled at him, returning his glance out of the window. Phil might have just imagined it, but he swore he saw Dan's smile linger as he peered out the car window. 

After about 30 minutes of driving, they finally arrived to Phil's flat. The darkness of the evening made it harder for Dan to see, but he could make out the large building that Phil lived in. 

"Welcome home," Phil said as they walked into the flat. 

"Wow, never thought I'd hear those words again," Dan remarked, causing both of them to chuckle.

"Feel free to look around a bit, I'm going to go and check all my houseplants. Your room is the third door on the left down that hallway there if you want to check it out," Phil said, setting his bags on the kitchen table and examining the dying flowers on the counter.

Dan first took in the entryway. The first room you walk into is a large room that had a living room to the left, and a kitchen and dining table to the right. Dan could tell Phil had moved in not too long ago as there wasn't many decorations up other than some family pictures and whatnot. Dan picked up a frame with a picture of what Dan assumed was Phil's family. The photo was probably taken recently, an older man and woman (presumably Phil's mum and dad), another boy, and Phil were all dressed in funny jumpers sitting around a christmas tree. Dan couldn't remember the last time he celebrated christmas. Even as a kid it wasn't a big holiday for his family. Just based on this one picture, he could tell Phil's family life is much different than Dan's.

"Ooh, that was Christmas last year! It was actually pretty funny because we didn't have anyone to take the picture so we had to put the phone on a door handle and set a timer, but it kept falling off and we had to take this picture, like, twenty times," Phil said laughing. He was looking at a plant on the shelf Dan was browsing and saw the picture Dan was looking at. 

Dan picked up another picture frame from the shelves, it was two boys. They were standing on two rocks with their hands in the air. One of them was Phil, but he looked much younger. Dan didn't know who the other boy was.

"That's Jayden and I. This is the last happy picture we have together. We went on a hike, even though we hated exercise, and Jayden saw these two rocks and kept insisting we get on them. I remember we climbed up them and shouted how we were the kings of the world. Those were simpler times." Phil said, taking the picture from Dan and admiring it, "It's funny because I didn't know I got this picture until I unpacked it from the box. I guess mum slipped it in when I was packing my stuff to move out for the first time. Even though I don't talk about him I still think about him a lot."

"It's nice you have pictures with your family, I don't think I've ever taken a picture with anyone in my family." Dan said, looking at his hands.

"I'm sorry," Phil said, he wasn't sure what he was sorry for, but he felt like it needed to be said.

"It's not your fault. My family was just a little more broken and dysfunctional than others."

"And we're here to move past that," Phil put down the picture and looked at Dan, "I brought you here because I wanted to help you. You are being held back by your past, and you can't let go because of the circumstances you've been put in. But I made a promise. You are going to restart your life. This is just the beginning of a new chapter, a chapter where everything starts to look up and get better."

Dan took a deep breath. It was true, the whole point of this was to help him get back on his feet. Dan should feel excited by the offer. Everything about it just seems... wonderful. But he was scared, and what Phil said was true. It was his past that kept the fears lingering, even though he felt safe in Phil's presence. He knew deep down he should tell Phil why he was so messed up, but a bigger part of him was scared of what would come out of it. 

"Now, it is currently and ungodly hour of the night and I know for a fact we are both on American time right now so it might be hard to sleep. I have some sleeping medicine we probably should take so we can get adjusted to the time quicker. Though I should warn you it comes with a side effect of really weird dreams. The last time I used it I dreamed I was the king of a kingdom of cats and then we went to war with some dinosaurs in a world filled with candy." 

Dan couldn't help but laugh at the oddness of Phil. 

"If that's the worst that'll happen, I think it probably wouldn't hurt to get some rest," Dan said whilst stretching his arms out.

Dan sat on the sofa as Phil went to fetch the pills and some water. He brought everything back and gave Dan what he needed. Apparently the effects began pretty quickly so Phil advised that we go to our rooms and get in bed before taking them. Phil led me down the hall to a large bedroom that was now mine. He gave me some more pajamas and said goodnight, shutting the door and going to his room. 

Dan changed and climbed into the bed, picking up the pill and glass of water. He stared at them for a moment before downing them and placing the water glass on the bedside table. He put his head on the pillow, already feeling drowsiness take over him. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to take medicine without really knowing what it did, but what's the worst that could happen?


	11. flashback #1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Before this chapter begins I just want to give a TRIGGER WARNING. This chapter gets into cheating, child abuse, and self harm slightly at the end. I'm really sorry if it bothers you! None of those topics I take lightly and I hope it isn't too much for anyone. To everyone else I hope you enjoy because this is probably the longest I've planned for any chapter. It gets into a little bit of Dan's back story, but don't worry because this is only just the beginning. Thanks for reading!

_"Happy birthday dear Daniel, happy birthday to you!"  His parents clapped as Dan blew the three candles on the small cake with a little difficulty. The newly three year old had only just learned how to blow candles out, a skill his parents didn't realize was important until he tried to grab the fire during last years celebration._

 

_The cake was cut into two slices, one for each of his parents. Dan was far too young to have that much sugar._

 

_His mum, Jessica, held Dan in her lap while she ate her cake. Her long brown hair was down and just in reach of little Dan's tiny hand._

 

_"Ouch! Daniel! You naughty boy," she chastised, but an amused tone lingered in her voice, "I forget I can't wear my hair down when you're around you little bugger."_

_"Ma-mama," Dan cooed as he proceeded to tug her hair again._

 

_The couple laughed at the young child's antics, as they continued to eat their cake as they chatted._

 

_After a while, the cake had been finished and the night was coming to an end. James, Dan's father, put Dan in a highchair and joined his wife in cleaning the dishes. A radio was playing softly in the background._

_James flicked his wet hands causing the water to hit Jessica, she squealed and reached to the faucet to hit him with water in return. Dan watched as the two started throwing water at each other, laughing so hard their faces turned red. Dan started to kick in the highchair, laughing simply because he was a happy child._

_After each had gotten a fair share of splashes, Jessica took her husband's hand and began to slow dance with him. The song "I will always love you" played as the two danced and stared lovingly into each others eyes. A happy little family sharing a happy little moment._

 

_Surely it would be like this forever, right?_

 

_____________________________________________

 

_Dan was conflicted. He stared down at his dinosaur coloring book, the white page glaring back at him. He remembered his mum told him she wanted him to draw her the best dinosaur ever, and don't get it wrong, he was going to do that. Dan couldn't find his favorite blue crayon. His mum always said that his pictures looked the best when he used his blue crayon, and if it made his mum happy, it made him happy._

 

_Maybe his mum knew where the crayon was? She had used it when she colored with him last. She always colored with him while his dad was at work. Dan's dad worked a lot and Dan didn't see him that much, but at least he had his drawing time with Mummy._

 

_He left his room to find his mum, but before he could open her bedroom door, he heard talking._

 

_"James, you're barely home anymore, all I'm asking is that you take one week off so we can go on a family vacation. Is that really too much to ask?"_

 

_"You don't get it, Jessica. The company needs me right now. If I leave for even a day the whole operation would be thrown off."_

 

_"I don't care about the stupid operation, I just want you back! You've been neglecting your family!"_

 

_"Neglecting my family! I'm the one whos been providing money for this family while you sit here on your lazy ass!"_

_"Excuse me?! I'm the one whos been taking care of our child while you've been out pretending you run the freaking company! He's four now and you're missing his childhood! What kind of father doesn't raise his child?!"_

_It seems like mummy and daddy are talking right now. Dan knows his mum says it's not good to interrupt when people are talking. Maybe he should just use another crayon in the box._

 

____________________________________________

 

_Dan had decided that he liked school. He had just finished his first week of year 1. Mummy told him that he was such a big boy going to school all by himself. He liked when his mum called him a big boy._

_"..and then we colored, and then we went to the playground, and then we played with blocks, and then-"_

 

_"Daniel, please use punctuation, you're talking my ear off."_

 

_"James! He's just telling us about his school day, let him be excited," his mum said, giving his father a stern look. His dad slumped over in his chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, "Now Daniel, I would love to hear about your day, but you have to promise to eat all your food tonight," she said, placing his plate in front of him at the dinner table._

 

_Dan nodded as he shoved a forkful of spaghetti into his mouth._

 

_After eating for a little while longer, Dan's mum cleared her throat._

 

_"Listen boys, I have an announcement to make."_

 

_Dan and his father looked at her curiously._

 

_"I've been feeling quick sick lately and I was quite worried there was something wrong. I went to the doctor and guess what... I'm pregnant! Isn't this exciting, you're going to have a brother or a sister Daniel!"_

 

_It took a minute for this to process for Dan. Mum had told him that some of his friends had brothers and sisters. She said they were like another friend. Dan started clapping his hands and smiling, his mum smiled back at him._

 

_"You're pregnant?" Dan's father asks._

 

_"Yes! I have my first appointment with the doctor this weekend, aren't you excited?"_

 

_"Yeah....uh- sure," He said getting up from the table, "just excuse me for a moment." He added as he left the room._

 

_Dan could barely see it, but he thought he saw sadness in his mother's eyes. Whatever it was though, it was quickly replaced with a smile as she turned back to Dan. The two conversed about Dan's day for the rest of the night._

_Later, Dan's mum was tucking him into bed. Dan thought this would be a good time to talk to her about why she feels sad._

_  
"Are you sad, Mummy?" He asks innocently. Dan's mum shakes her head fondly._

_"I always forget that you children are so observant. I'm not sad, just a little disappointed is all."_

 

_"Why are you disappointed?"_

 

_"Nosy are we," She joked as she tickled his stomach, the two laughed until she started talking again, "I don't think your father is too happy that we're going to have another baby. And how could he be unhappy, we'll have another one of you!" She laughed, but her eyes glazed over._

_"But you don't need to worry about it. You just need to get to sleep, goodnight my love." She said, Dan smiled. She kissed him goodnight and said "goodnight my love" every single night. It was an unspoken tradition of theirs that Dan absolutely loved._

 

_"Goodnight, Mummy," he said as she got up to leave the room. Dan fell asleep to the sound of arguing through the thin walls of their flat, but that fighting was a daily occurrence, he was used to it by now._

 

_________________________________________

_Dan stared out the window of the train him and his dad were on. He didn't want to go anywhere, but his father said that as a 7 year old his opinion didn't mean anything. So now he sat, or rather, sulked in his seat while his father sat looking on his phone._

 

_"Are we visiting Mummy and Adrian?" He asked. Ever since his mum moved out three months ago he has been going back and forth staying with each of his parents. Currently, his two year old brother, Adrian, was staying with his mother while he went on this trip with his father. He still had no idea where he was going._

 

_After what seemed like forever, the train stopped and the two got off. A giant sign told Dan that they were in London. Why were they in London? Dan had never been here before, and to be honest it seemed like he was going to have a lot of fun._

 

_They got into a taxi and his dad gave an address to the man driving. After a little while, they pulled up in front of a large building. Already Dan was a little scared. He didn't know where he was, and his father wasn't telling him why he was here. Maybe he was planning to surprise Dan?_

 

_They walked into the building and up to the front desk. A man with a large mustache sat sipping a coffee._

 

_"I'm here for Vanessa Charwell, fifth floor flat 56. She'll be expecting me." Dan's dad said to the mustache man. He nodded and pressed a button and typed a message into the computer. The button then flashed and he signalled for us to go up the elevator._

 

_"Why are we here Dad?" Dan asked once more as the elevator began to rise._

 

_"We're staying with a very close friend of mine for the weekend." As he said that the doors opened and a long hallway came into view. They walked a few doors and then stopped at the one labeled 56. James knocked on the door and was instantly greeted by a short, blond girl._

 

_"James!" She exclaimed and kissed him. Dan didn't like that, only mummy was supposed to kiss daddy, "You must be Daniel, so good to meet you," She said as she extended her hand for him to shake. His father was eyeing him dangerously so he shook her hand, even though he really didn't want to._

 

_The rest of the weekend wasn't as fun as he thought. Everything him and his dad did he also had to do with Vanessa. Late at night, Dan could tell his dad slept in the same bed as her. Only mummy was supposed to sleep in his bed. Dan didn't understand why his dad was doing that. He just fell asleep confused and a little bit angry._

 

_At the end of the weekend they finally went back home. Mum was supposed to stop by with Adrian but she was stuck in traffic. Dan thought this was a good time to ask his Dan about Vanessa._

 

_"Daddy?" He asked as his dad was reading a book._

 

_"What?"_

 

_"Why were you kissing Vanessa?"_

 

_"Because we are really good friends," he simply replied, but Dan didn't believe him._

 

_"But I thought only Mum could kiss you and sleep in a bed with you." His father's expression was hard to read. Clearly he didn't think Dan was smart enough to pick up on the details he did._

 

_"Your mum and I aren't doing so well, we aren't going to stay together much longer. It's only a matter of time before we both find other people, I'm just getting started sooner."_

 

_"But you are married to Mummy. Mummy told me that when you marry someone you only love them."_

 

_"Well it's more complicated than that, Buddy."_

 

_"Mummy won't like hearing that you kissed Vanessa." Dan said. Never before had he regretted saying something so quickly._

 

_His father bolted out of his chair over to Dan and slapped him across the cheek._

 

_"Don't you DARE tell your mother about what happened this weekend!" An anger flashed through his eyes that Dna had never seen before. Needless to say, he was terrified._

 

_Still stunned from the intensity of the slap, Dan collapsed on the floor as his father stormed out of the room. Never before had Dan been hit by his father, but unfortunately, it wasn't the last time either._

 

_________________________________________________

 

_Over the last five years, Dan and Adrian began seeing their mum less and less. Their father didn't think she was a good influence on them and she was too weak against him to argue. They officially divorced three years ago, and dad and Vanessa got together shortly after that. He might have only been twelve, but he knew he had never hated anymore more than Vanessa. He had slowly figured out overtime that she had been the thing that broke apart his parents happy marriage. She was a secretary for a company that worked with the one of his father. After talking after a meeting they began their affair, an ongoing thing for many years now. All Dan knew was that every weekend when they took the tube to London he absolutely hated it. He wasn't the only one, too. Adrian detested the woman just as much, if not more than Dan did. But as a  7 year old, the boy couldn't express his opinions as well, so Dan decided to do it for him._

 

_"Daniel! Adrian! We're leaving in 5 minutes get down here now!" His father called from the lounge._

 

_Dan saw Adrian's glare, the way his grip was so tight on his backpack that his knuckles turned white._

 

_"Adrian, wait here," Dan ordered as he stormed down the stairs to his dad._

 

_"Daniel, how many times do I have to tell you not to stomp on the stairs?"_

 

_"I'm not going," He said as he reached his dad._

 

_"I'm sorry?" Said his father, a menacing tone in his voice._

 

_"I'm not going," He said again, this time he crossed his arms._

 

_"Why would you think that, Daniel?" His dad said, taking slow steps towards the young boy, clenching his fists and gritting his teeth as he spoke._

 

_"I don't like Vanessa and I don't want to go to her house this weekend. Or any weekend for that matter," he stated._

 

_A harsh slap was delivered to his cheek, then a punch to his gut. He bucked over and fell to the ground. His father then proceeded to kick him over and over again. Dan was sure he was crying, but he couldn't feel tears on his face. All he could feel were the harsh blows of each painful hot to his body._

 

_"Stop, stop!" He cried out._

 

_"Oh you want me to stop, do you? Well I want you to stop being a little brat but I guess we can't always get what we want now can we." The hits kept getting delivered harder and harder._

 

_Dan laid defenselessly on the ground. He was sure he was bleeding, probably in multiple places, but it wasn't like he could do anything about it._

 

_Finally after what seemed like forever, his father stopped hitting him._

 

_"Fucking worthless child," His dad said, picking up his suitcase and leaving the house._

 

_Dan sobbed. It was always the talking that hurt him the most. When his dad hit him, it was sort of like he entered a new body, one that was being controlled by pure emotions. But when he called Dan worthless, that felt raw and real. The pain his body felt like nothing compared to the sting of his heart._

 

_Dan looked up and saw Adrian standing at the door frame, quietly crying. The fact that his cheek was bright pink told Dan that his Dad had hit Adrian as well. He was truly a monster, and there was nothing they could do about it because it would always end the same. Express opinion, get beaten, be left for a few hours, repeat. An endless cycle that Dan thought he'd rather die than be apart of. He tried to hold himself together for Adrian, but when he was alone he would litter hundreds of tiny cuts to his pale flesh. his father was already hurting him, why couldn't he hurt himself a little more?_

_______________________________

 

Dan woke up and was breathing heavily. He looked at the clock, 10:48 am. He fell back down on the pillows while his breath steadied. It had been a while since he had flashbacks like that. Maybe the medicine triggered them or something. Either way, Dan's eyes watered as he sat back thinking about how scared he was that his past was coming back to haunt him. Maybe having flashbacks was a sign, maybe he was just being paranoid. All Dan knew was that he needed help, and it started with learning to trust again. 

 

He walked down the hallway into the kitchen, surprised to see Phil was already awake making pancakes. 

 

"Good morning, Dan," He said as he realized the younger boy's presence was there, "Breakfast is almost ready."

 

"Phil," He said before he could get second thoughts, "I have something to tell you."

 

He took a deep breath, ready to have the hardest conversation of his life. He let out a shaky breath as he suddenly felt lightheaded, "Phil... I," was all he could say before his vision blurred out and he fell to the floor. 


	12. hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to start by saying I'm so so so so so so sorry for not posing for a while. I try to get an update up every Tuesday but this week was the last week of my term in school and I've had a bunch of tests and whatnot so yeah I haven't exactly had "freetime" to write. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks for reading!

"Dan... Dan, wake up."

The deep voice was the first thing Dan noticed as he regained conscience. His vision went from black to seeing a blurry light coming from above. On the floor next to him, staring at his unconscious body, was Phil.

"Wha- what happened?" Dan said, slowly sitting up and rubbing his eyes. All of a sudden his head felt a sharp, stabbing pain, he groaned and tried clutching his head with his hands.

"Hey, hey, be careful. I think you hit your head when you fainted," Phil replied, helping Dan up and into a seat, "On a scale of one to ten, how's your head?"

"Seven," Dan answered quickly. He kept his eyes shut, the lights weren't helping his massive headache.

"Dan, I'm going to call the doctor. You say here, ok?" Phil left before Dan could answer, it's not like he really had a choice anyway. 

Dan tried to piece together what had happened. What was the last thing he remembered? He woke up and wanted to tell Phil something, yeah... that was it. He was going to tell Phil he was abused as a child. No wonder his body shut down. Dan leaned his head back and kept his eyes shut. Soon, Phil returned holding an ice pack. 

"I just got off the phone with Doctor Jenkins. She told me to ice it and if the pain doesn't go away in a little while to call her again," Phil said as he put the cold pack on Dan's aching head. The cold numbed it slightly, but it wasn't doing much.

"So before you fainted, you were about to tell me something?" Phil asked, shifting so he was sitting on the couch next to Dan.

"I'd rather not talk about it now," Dan said.

"Ok, I won't pressure you but... I mean I have to admit it sounded pretty serious-"

"Just leave it be, ok? I made it very clear that I don't want to talk to you right now so just leave me alone!" Dan snapped, jumping off the chair. He sudden movement made him lose balance, but he quickly regained it. His breathing was ragged, his eyes watered up. Everything felt numb but at the same time everything hurt. I all came back to him, every hit, every threat, every insult. He felt nauseous and like he was being choked all at the same time.

"He hurt me! It hurt! It hurt like this but worse! Are you happy now? Does this make you happy?" Dan screamed.

Tears streamed down his face, his vision slowly blurring out. All the light became darkness as the world slowly faded to black.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dan tried to open his eyes but it felt like they were glued shut. He was lying down, a soft blanket covering him. He could tell the room he was in had white lights, they were blinding him even with his eyes closed. He reached his hands up to rub his eyes before opening them. 

Dan blinked a few times to get used to the light. He noticed he was lying in a hospital bed, Phil was sitting in a chair, playing on his phone, right beside him. 

"Where are we?" Dan croaked.

Phil looked up, slightly startled, still in pajamas. 

"You fainted again and I was worried it had something to do with your head," Phil said, putting his phone down, "I didn't know what to do so I dialed 999 and, well, here we are," he gestured to the room around them. 

"How long have I been out?" Dan asked.

"Only about an hour, but I was still worried." Phi said, scratching the back of his head.

Dan smiled a little bit. Phil was worried about him. 

"Oh, I almost forgot," Phil said as he reached over to press a button by Dan's bed, "They said I had to press that when you woke up."

They waited a few minutes until and older blonde woman stepped through the door. 

"Philip!" She said excitedly.

"Hello Doctor Jenkins," He said politely. Phil was always polite, Dan thought.

"Forget that 'Doctor Jenkins', it's Lillian to you," she said pointing to Phil, "You'd think after knowing someone their whole life they'd start callin' you by their first name." She said with a grin as she turned to Dan.

"Hello, Daniel Howell. My name is Lillian Jenkins, but you can call me Lillian. You get special treatment since I've known Philly here since he was a baby."

"She's basically like my second mum, old enough to be her too," He joked.

"I take offense to that on your Mother's behalf," Lillian laughed. 

"I always do medical stuff with Lillian because then we don't have to be that professional about it," Phil says, looking back at Dan.

"I get the sense that Phil doesn't like doing things in a "professional manner'" Dan said.

"Oh you know it," Lillian teased, "But I must say as great as it is to catch up, I'm not here for you Mr. Lester."

"Look who's calling who with a last name now," Phil said as they both stuck their tounges out at each other. Dan giggled at the relationship the two had, it was quite the sight.

"So Daniel," She said, "Can you explain in as much detail as you can what happened that lead you here?"

"Phil could probably do it better, I don't really remember it," Dan admitted shyly.

"No problem," She said then turned to Phil.

Phil then proceeded to explain how he had been making breakfast when Dan came in and said he wanted to talk, then fainted. Then how he had got all mad and then fainted again. Lillian nodded and took notes through the whole story. Never before had someone been so interested in him. Well, that is, other than Phil.

"Interesting," she remarked, "Does your head still hurt, Daniel?"

"A little, but not half as much as before."

"Well I'd hope not, I imagine they have you on a bunch of painkillers," She looked at some papers he was already holding and paused, "Ok, so I'm going to ask you a personal question Daniel. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to."

Dan nodded and swallowed. Personal questions didn't usually bode well with him. 

"Phil tells me you were going to tell him something before you fainted, does that thing have to do with why you fainted?"  

"Yes." Dan answered truthfully. Even though he wasn't sure, he had a gut feeling that the conversation he planned to have had something to do with his unconsciousness. 

"Can you tell me what you were going to say to him?"  
  
Dan shook his head quickly. He wanted to trust her because Phil trusted her. But he still felt like the words were lost in his throat every time he dared to speak them. 

"That's perfectly fine, sweetheart. I'm going to run a few tests and then you should be out of here later today," She squeezed his hand then turned to Phil, "Phil. honey. could I speak to you outside for a moment?"

He looked confused then nodded. The two walked outside into the luckily deserted hallway. She turned to him and began speaking.

"It's a hard case, it really is. Especially since we don't know that much about him." She stated, flipping through the files she was carrying. 

Phil had told her everything he knew about Dan. Yeah sure, it was an invasion of his privacy, but it was the right thing to do. Lillian alway knew how to help, and help was just the thing that Dan needed. 

"It's just scary, you know. He had panic attacks all the time and I don't know how to handle them. And he's mad all the time and I'm afraid he's going to go back to his old ways and-"

"Phil, deary," she stopped him, taking his hands and rubbing soothing circles with her thumb, "I know it's scary. Mental health is a terrifying thing. Dan is just a little broken, that's all." 

Phil took a deep breath.

"I just wanted to take you out here to ask that you make sure that boy is the happiest person in the world."

"What, why?" Phil asked.

"Phil, I may be old but I'm not an idiot. No one just flys a complete stranger back to their home country to live with them, whether they were homeless or not. I know there is something more. I would just hate to see him have the same fate as, well.. you know."

"You can say Jayden's name. It's been a while, I've had time to heal."  


"I know", she said, a sad smile spread on her face, "Just take care of him, ok?"

She walked away, leaving Phil to go back into the room and play i spy with Dan. 

____________________________________________________________________________

After a few hours, Lillian returned to the room.

"Feeling better, Dan?" She asked.

"Much better, thanks," He replied.

"Alright, well I'm here to give a final rundown of everything and then check you out. After some consideration, I'm diagnosing you with post traumatic stress disorder and severe anxiety. It isn't something that should be taken lightly, but it is also something that can be worked past and slowly moved away from. I am going to prescribe you with some medication which should make the panic attacks less frequent. It's going to be a long, hard road to recovery, but that's how it always is."

Dan took a breath, ptsd and severe anxiety, he should've guessed.

"The medication will help make the panic attacks less frequent, but I'm going to recommend you get a therapist to help let go of some past issues you might have."

"I don't want to do that," Dan stated flatly.

"Dan, it will help you get better," Phil said.

"I can barely talk to you about it before I faint, how do you expect me to do it to a complete stranger for a period of time?"

"Well that's the thing Daniel, it doesn't have to be a complete stranger," Lillian said. Dan looked at her with confusion.

"Now, I'm not a professional by any means in therapy, but I would be willing to be your honorary therapist. Clearly I can't be your real one since that's not my practice, but it really could help both of us."

Dan had never really thought about that before. Having someone you already know be the person you talk to. I could be a good idea, get all his thoughts and emotions out. It also could be helpful that Lillian knows how to deal with his mental issues, not that a real therapist wouldn't, but something seemed so genuine about her. 

"You don't have to decide right now, I'll give you some time to think. Here are your medicines. One of each twice a day for now. When things get more controlled we can decrease your intake. You are free to leave now, just phone me when you make your decision." Lillian said, leaving the bottles of pills and exiting the room.

As Dan and Phil were leaving the hospital, Dan couldn't help but wonder if having someone to talk to would really help. At the end of the day it could be good to let everything out. But based on how that went last time, Dan isn't sure that he can. 

 


	13. reunited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again  
> I am back, tell a friend
> 
> Yeah so it's been a hot minute and if I'm completely honest I've just been having terrible writers block. Luckily now I think I've connected two major dots of my story that I had no idea how to incorporate before so that's good. If you are American happy thanksgiving! Y'all should be thankful because to make up for all the time I haven't been writing I'm going to post another chapter sometime over the weekend so stay tuned for that.
> 
> Also since I wanted to get this up as quick as possible I didn't go back and edit so sorry if there are a lot of mistakes!

The two men left the hospital and made the unspoken decision to walk to the nearest place to get some food. They were both starving, and while there was a cafeteria in the hospital, neither of them wanted the crappy food there. After eating, they planned on getting a cab back to Phil's flat, since it was a ways away.

Dan walked slightly ahead of Phil, hands in the pockets of Phil's hoodie that he was borrowing. Phil stared at the way his hoodie looked on Dan. He looked really good... cute even. He blushed as the thought crept into his head. Dan, cute? Ever since Lillian had pointed it out, Phil had been thinking about his feelings towards Dan. It was a little crazy they had known each other for less than a week and they already technically lived together. Ok, maybe a little more than just "crazy", but Phil knew deep down being with Dan made him feel something, he just wasn't sure what that feeling was. 

They arrived at a small diner and were seated very quickly. The small booth they occupied was filled with food in a matter of minutes as the two ordered as soon as they sat down. 

"Sorry for scaring you," Dan said, biting into some toast.

"It's ok, I know you can't control those attacks. I'm just hoping that the medicine will help."

Silence lingered for a moment, Dan opened his mouth as if he was going to speak, then closed it.

"I have a plan for today," Phil said, wiping his face with a napkin, "You literally don't have any clothes or... well, belongings of any kind. How about we got to the mall and get you some things?"

Dan nodded, a small smile was planted on his lips. He hadn't owned anything that had truly been his in the longest time. They finished their meals and called a cab, deciding to just go straight to the mall instead of Phil's flat to save time. During the ride, Phil worried that it would be really crowded and cause Dan to go into another panicked state. Luckily for them, most people were there for the cinema and not to shop so the stores were fairly vacant. Dan would reach and clutch Phil's arm if they ever entered a crowded area or store. 

So as it turns out, being in a crowded place wasn't the hardest part. Shopping for Dan proved to be quite difficult. 

"What about this?" Phil asked as he pulled a black sweater with white stripes, "This'll be good for the chilly weather."

"Phil it's 50 pounds! You don't need to buy that for me," Dan said as he looked at the price tag. At first he was excited to get new things but now he just felt guilty for wasting Phil's money, "You know what, we can just leave. I'll just wear your clothes, they smell like you and make me feel safe."

Phil felt his heart swell at Dan's words, but he still was annoyed that Dan was refusing everything.

"It's really nothing, I want to do this for you Dan," He put the sweater back and pulled out another, "This one is also really nice."

"That one's 60 pounds, are you insane? Phil, everything here's so expensive. I know you just want to help but I don't deserve this," Dan said, looking down at his hands.

"That's it Dan!" Phil yelled. Never had Phil regret something so quickly.

Dan's eyes glazed over as his breathing started to get fast and shaky.

"Dan! Hey, hey listen," He dropped the jumper and grabbed Dan's hands, "I'm so so sorry I yelled, I didn't mean to. I just hate it when you say you don't deserve things because you do Dan, you really do. Follow my breathing, in...out....in....out." 

Slowly Dan's breathing became more normal. He closed his eyes and wiped his face with his sleeve. 

"Dan, I want you to know that you're right, you don't deserve this," Dan's tearful eyes looked into Phil's blue ones,"you deserve the world, the universe, everything. You are so amazing, and don't try to fight me on that."

Phil wiped some of the tears from Dan's face and hugged him, "You have been through so much, and you're still fighting everyday. It hurts me to see you sad, all I want to do is make it better. But even I know that doing that isn't physically possible. I just really want to do everything I can to make you forget that there ever was anything wrong to begin with. To do that, we're going to have you start over. I don't care the price, we are not leaving this mall until you have at least 10 new pieces of clothing, okay?" 

Ten?! Jesus Phil really wanted to spoil him. Dan reluctantly nodded as he grabbed the two jumpers to try on. On their way to the changing room, they picked out a few pairs of jeans and some more shirts. Dan kept opening his mouth to protest but Phil would always shush him and keep him moving toward the room.

Phil sat outside while Dan went in with the plethora of clothing items. He tugged off his shirt and pick up one of the black shirts. He didn't like this room, it had too many mirrors. He glanced at the patches of small scars lining his wrists, quickly looking away and putting the shirt on. Thankfully all of these shirts were long sleeved, he really didn't feel like explaining the faded marks on his wrists to Phil at the moment. 

After putting on some skinnys, he opened the door to see Phil sitting in a chair looking down at his phone, possibly reading emails. He immediately looked up and stared at Dan. A faint blush sprung on his cheeks at the way Phil was looking at him. 

"That one looks good on you," Phil said with a smirk. The blush on Dan's face got harsher. 

"I like it," Dan said, the material was soft on his skin, it was comforting. 

"Make a pile of the ones you like and the ones you don't, then we'll know which ones to get," Phil said.

The process continued, Dan goes in, trys on outfit, Phil says it looks good on him, then he decides whether or not he's going to keep it. After they went through all of the outfits, Phil bought the ones Dan liked and then they went into another store.

About an hour later they had a total of 6 jumpers, 4 shirts, and 5 jeans, as well as other basic clothing items like underwear and socks. After so long of having nothing, getting all of this at once was very overwhelming to Dan. Every couple of minutes he would stop and hug Phil, whether it was a reminder to himself that he was real or a thank you, he wasn't sure. All he knew what that he was both extremely happy and ready to breakdown at any moment.

By now they had gotten hungry again, so they thought they should end their shopping adventure by getting some ice cream before they left. As it turned out, Dan couldn't remember what ice cream tasted like.

"What do you mean you've never had ice cream?" Phil almost shouted, only this time, Dan laughed.

"No, I've had ice cream before! I just don't remember what it tastes like. I only had it when my mom was around, my dad never gave us ice cream, he said we were too naughty to deserve it," Dan said, causing both of them to stop laughing.

"Well," Phil said, clearing his throat to get rid of the awkwardness, "I'm going to get you ice cream right now and I promise you Howell, your life will forever be changed."

The conversation continued with more banter and giggles as they made their way to the nearest place that sold ice cream. They both took their orders and sat down at a table in the food court. They both took a bite at the same time.

"Oh my god, I'm....actually having an orgasm," Dan moaned as he went for a second bite, Phil just giggled.

"I told you your life would forever be changed! I can see you becoming a happier person already."

A smile spread across Dan's face. This moment, this right here, was he happiest he had ever been. It was a pure moment where he forgot that a meer week ago he was sleeping in a back alley way thinking of killing himself. Phil really helped him come a long way in just a few days. A feeling stronger than happiness filled his body, Phil was truly the best person in the world. 

Phil picked up his phone and checked the time, 4:32, plenty of time to finish eating and get home before dinner. Phil had plans tonight, he was going to introduce Dan to a "night in". They were going to order pizza, watch a movie, and just relax. Phil was told he had to come into work the day after tomorrow, so he just wanted to spend some quality time with Dan hanging out. 

His train of thought was suddenly interrupted by Dan dropping his cup of ice cream on the table, his eyes watered and his mouth opened in shock.

"No fucking way," He said. Phil looked over his shoulder to see a group of teenagers, probably around 13 years old walking around about 4 meters away. 

"Adrian?" Dan called out standing up. All the sudden, one of the boys turns around in confusion. The brunette child makes eye contact with Dan, a look of confusion washed over his face and then, as if something had hit him, his knees buckled and he was crying on the floor. Dan ran over to the boy, got on his knees and hugged him. Phil had never seen such an emotional hug, both boys crying their eyes out, clutching onto each other as if they would die if they let go. 

Phil walked over, eyeing the confused faces of who he assumed were Adrian's friends and said, "I think you guys should give these two some space. You can meet back here in a little bit but just let them be."

The group of boys looked at each other and then walked away. 

"I thought you were dead, I didn't know what he did to you," The boy, Adrian, cried.

Dan pulled away, but help the younger's face, "I never thought I'd see you again. You're so grown up now."

"I thought... I- I thought he killed you," Adrian said before bursting into tears once more. Dan hugged tightly as Adrian curled up on his chest.

"It's okay, Addy. I'm safe, you're safe, that's all that matters." Dan started stroking the boy's hair, "Phil, this is Adrian. He's my brother." Dan said, addressing Phil now.

"Ugh God, sorry you have to see me like this," Adrian said, wiping his tears.

"Don't worry about it, I know it's been a long time since you two have seen each other. I'm going to let you guys catch up, I'll be back." Phil said, walking off and giving the boys some much deserved time to talk.

They finally got off the floor and made their way to a table nearby. 

"Whe-where have you been?" Adrian asked, voice slightly shaky from the crying.

"America, in San Francisco to be exact. He left me there." Dan admitted. 

"I can't believe that fucker," Adrian cursed.

"Hey now, you're what, like 12?"

"13 actually. But even then you can't deny that a fucker is what dad is."

Dan laughed, the boy's got a point.

"Where is he?" Dan asked, slightly nervous now.

"Oh, you don't have to worry about him anymore. He's in jail, has been for about a year now."

Dan breathed out a side of relief, "and his bitch?"

"Locked away as well. Vanessa Bitchwell won't ever be heard from again," He paused, "I know what she did to you. I figured whatever dad did had something to do with it."

"You're not wrong about that," Dan said, scratching the back of his head, "Where have you been staying?"

"Well, after you left.. or got abandoned, dad came back and got even more abusive towards me. Not physically, he always was more physical with you, but definitely verbally. He would give me death threats that if anyone found out that you were no longer with us he would kill me. And because I thought he killed you, I believed him. Then one night he got really drunk with Vanessa and they both started shouting at me. I got so scared- I was constantly fearing for my life- so I ran outside. But since they were drunk out of their minds, they didn't realize they were out in the open. A neighbor heard them yelling at me and called the police. I stayed at a friends house until the trial. I told them I thought they killed you. I think the neighbor took a video of them yelling at me and that was shown. They were both found guilty and I've been staying in a foster home ever since."

Dan was at a loss for words, so Adrian kept talking.

"The family I stay with is nice and all, but I think they're really scared I'm super fragile and will break at any second. I'm not glass, if I was I probably wouldn't've survived dad."

"You're really strong, Adrian."

"Not as strong as you are, how you even get back here?"

Dan cleared his throat, "Well that's kind of a long story. So you probably know that dad flew with me to San Francisco and when he came back I wasn't with him. He left me in the hotel room. All that was there when I woke up was a note saying I had to leave the room by 12 since that's all he was paying for and that I would never see anyone I love ever again. I had no idea what to do so I just left, found an abandoned alleyway, and just cried. I was homeless. I've kinda been homeless this whole time. So much happened while I was there, it was absolute hell. About 6 days ago I tried to kill myself," he said, now silent tears fell from both of their faces, "..but before I could, that man I was with saved me. He flew with me back here and now I live with him."

"Wow," was all that Adrian said as he wiped the tears from his face for the hundredth time. 

All the sudden, Adrian jumped off the chair and ran over to someone. Dan heard Phil make an "oomph" noise as Adrian held him in a bone crushing hug.

"Thank you so much for saving my brother," He whispered to Phil.

Phil smiled, "It was nothing, Adrian." 

"Adrian! Mrs. Gillespie just called and says she wants you home," a blond haired boy called out. Phil turned over to see the group of guys Adrian came with had returned. 

"Will I be able to see you again?" Adrian asked, turning to Dan.

"Do you have a phone? I can give you my phone number," Phil suggested.

"I don't have a phone but if you write the number down I can call you from the house phone," Adrian said.

Phil wrote the number on the back of one of the store receipts, giving it to Adrian before he hugged Dan once more and ran off with his friends. 

They watched the boys walk off. Once they were out of sight, Dan let out a sigh.

"Well that was emotionally draining."

"No kidding let's get you home," Phil replied. 

With all of their shopping bags, they got into a cab that was set to talk them back to the flat. 

Seeing Adrian brought back more memories and Dan could feel his mind slipping into a state of remembrance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you guys liking this story so far? Do you have any predictions about what might happen? All I'm saying is that next chapter is going to be another flashback and most (if not all) of Dan's mysterious back story is explained. If you guys thought he already had it rough oooohhh just you wait. Thank you for reading!


	14. flashback #2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for another Dan flashback! Let me tell ya I've been planning these scenes since the beginning and I'm so happy to finally have them out!
> 
> I should give a TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter. I don't want to spoil anything up here but see the end notes if you need the warning. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_Dan was excited for today. He and Adrian were leaving their house for the weekend to stay with their mum. They hadn't seen her in over three months, and to be honest both the young boys longed to see her again. Typically, other 13 year olds greatest desires were new video games or sports, Dan on the other hand, just wanted to see his mum._

_Maybe he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up, he had realized that having high hopes in his household didn't do much good, but he couldn't help the excitement bubbling in his stomach._

_It was 8 pm and Dan was packing the last of his clothes into his backpack. Adrian, who had his own room but usually stayed in Dan's, was sitting on Dan's bed watching him pack._

_"Do you think she's changed?" The now 8 year old boy asked, a worried look in his face._

_"What do you mean," Dan said as he looked up from his backpack._

_"Last time we saw her she seemed different. Did you notice that?"  
_

_Dan thought for a moment. Had his mum seemed any different the last time they saw her? Maybe. In truth he really hadn't thought about anything other than the fact that he was safe from his father the last time they were with her. Dan shook his head no._

_"She didn't have as much hair. Mum has very pretty hair, and it still was pretty, there was just less of it," Adrian said._

_The boy wasn't wrong, her hair did seem thinner when they saw each other last, but Dan just blamed that on age._

_"And she also seemed very tired all the time. Everytime I wanted to play with her she would say she was too tired to do it," Adrian continued._

_Maybe she just didn't want to play Adrian's games so she used that excuse._

_"Besides all that, she also looked smaller. And sick. Did you not see any of this?" Adrian asked, shifting so he was now sitting on his knees._

_"I guess I noticed, I just keep giving myself excuses that nothing is different. No matter what she's like now we just have to make the most of this weekend, you know we don't get time away from dad often." Dan said, slinging the backpack over his shoulder. Adrian nodded and jumped off the bed, grabbing his small backpack._

_Suddenly the door swung open and the boys whipped their heads towards it. Their father's figure loomed in the doorway._

_"Unpack your things," he snapped sharply. Both Dan and Adrian looked at each other in confusion,"You won't be seeing your mother this weekend, or any other one for that matter."_

_"What?!" Dan shouted, quieting as his dad gave him a threatening look._

_"You won't ever see your mum again. She's in a mental hospital, checked herself in. That crazy bitch," James said, Dan scouled._

_"You're lying!" Dan shouted. Adrian shot him a glare. Dan knew better than to yell at his dad, but he couldn't hold it in this time._

_His father just laughed._

_"Don't believe me? That's okay. You just need to believe her. These are for you," He sneered as he chucked a letter onto the bed and slammed the door._

_Dan and Adrian scrambled to the bed, throwing off their backpacks in the process. Dan ripped open the letter and began reading._

 

_"To my dearest children,_

_Daniel and Adrian, you two are my life. I cherish you both on a level that neither of you could understand. The days both of you were born were the best days of my life. I have a bond with both of you that I have with absolutely no other. But that is why it is so hard._

_Everytime I see you, I see two children that I have failed to care for, nurture, and be a mother to. I see my beautiful boys thriving, struggling, and living without me. I see two people who are strong enough to face the man that has stripped me from your lives._

_But worse of all, I see half of myself, and half of that poor poor excuse for a father you have. I can't be around either of you without thinking of him. The thought is driving me into insanity. I love you Daniel, I love you Adrian, and even worse I love your father so much. I have been forced away from the people I love the most. I know it won't be easy, and it isn't fair to you, but I can't be around any of you anymore. I am restarting my life, and to do so I must forget all that have left me the way I am. I am going to get help, a hospital of sorts. I just want you to know that I'm not doing this because I hate you, I'm doing this because my love for you all is so strong, it is tearing me apart._

_I hope you can understand, if not, I'm sorry it had to be this way._

_Love, Mum."_

 

_Dan finished reading with tears streaking his cheeks. His mother was his safety blanket, his idea of protection from his father, and now she was gone._

_He felt a heavy weight on his chest. It was like the feeling of being told someone you love died. But Dan also felt a small amount of hatred, because she wasn't dead, she was just trying to forget they ever were apart of her life._

_No more words were said between the boys that night, they just hugged each other crying until they both were fast asleep._

______________________________________________________

_For some reason, the age 15 was always one Dan had looked forward to being. There was no particular reason, but ever since he was a little kid he had dreamed of being 15. As it turned out, actually being 15 wasn't as great as he thought it would be._

_For starters, his dad got more and more aggressive towards Dan. Dan tried not to mind it, as every hit delivered to Dan was one less that Adrian got. Dan took that as a win._

_But another thing was that Vanessa stayed over way more than she has since she started dating James. She would just show up without warning and Dan and Adrian had to act like they were fine with it. Needless to say, they weren't._

_"Vanessa is coming over again," James said as he put his newspaper down. Dan groaned._

_"She was over like 5 days ago, why is she coming back?" he complained._

_"So you don't like when she comes over, Daniel?" His father jeered. Dan heard Adrian drop the book he was reading, both of the boys knew what that tone of voice meant._

_"No, frankly, I don't," Dan deadpanned._

_The silence in the room was deafening as Dan waited to see what happened._

_In perfect time James strode over to Dan, slapped him harsh across the face, and punched him in the nose. Dan fell to the floor, grabbing his nose which was starting to bleed._

_"It's too bad you don't like when she's over here, Daniel, because this time when she comes she won't be leaving. I have invited her to live here."_

_Dan and Adrian both gasped at the words. They would be forced to be around that blond whore every single day without complaint. They also knew that she wasn't opposed to the abuse they got from their father, which meant that they weren't safe from his fists while she was here. Dan could swear that at times it seemed like she would encourage the violence._

_"Traveling back and forth was getting quite expensive, so it is best that we move in together. If either of you have a problem with that you will speak to my fist. Is that clear?" James barked, holding his fist up to emphasize his point. He didn't even need to emphasize it, both children knew it was already true._

_________________________________________________________

_Dan could remember a time when his birthday was a cherished day of celebration, but the day he turned 16 was not one of those days._

_He ended up sleeping in until half past noon. No one cared anyway, well except for Adrian. But even he knew that attempting to make the day good was no use._

_When he finally got out of bed Adrian softly sang him Happy Birthday as he gave Dan a card that he made himself. Dan smiled, the 11 year old was trying so hard to make Dan happy, and it was working._

_They spent the day walking around some shops. They weren't given any money, but Dan had taken some earlier from his dad's wallet while he was busy with Vanessa._

_They stopped at an arcade and played games for hours. Dan actually ended up having fun. The day was coming to a close, the boys went back home and into their separate rooms to relax for the rest of the night. Maybe if the day he ended here it would have been a good one, but that's unfortunately not how days work._

_A soft knock was heard at Dan's door. He looked up from the book he was reading, only to see Vanessa's face at the door. For the first time, she didn't look like an evil homewrecker, but an innocent young girl who looked kind of scared._

_"Hey, Daniel," She said, he voice was softer than it had ever been._

_"What do you want?" He snapped. He saw her flinch slightly._

_"Listen, I don't want to annoy you or anything, I just wanted to say happy birthday."_

_Dan was confused. First off, it was the end of the day and for some reason she only cared about this now. Second, she seemed so different to how she acts when she was around Dan's dad. Nothing about the situation was adding up._

_"Thanks... I guess," He mumbled. She walked into the room and closed the door._

_"I know we got off on the wrong foot. I can tell you and your brother hate me. I mean you have every right to, I just think that for your dad's sake we should try to get along at least," she took another step closer, "I have an idea! We don't really know each other that well, can I take you someplace as a little birthday treat?"_

_Dan contemplated the offer. He really didn't like her, but she did have a point. The better they got along the less his father would hit him. Dn nodded and stood up. She eyes lit up and she clapped her hands together._

_"Great! Let's take my car, we're going to have so much fun!" She squealed._

_They got into her car. The sun had set and the sky was now pitch black. They didn't drive in complete silence, half the time she asked him questions that he would give short answers to. It wasn't much for friendship development but it was progress nonetheless._

_Finally after they drove around some back roads for a while, they pulled over into this weird clearing. It was a secluded area with trees surrounding it. Dan honestly had no idea where he was._

_Both of them got out of the car. Dan walked a little into the clearing. It was such a strange area. Why did she take Dan here? Maybe it was just to get a quiet place to talk._

_His questions were all answered however, when he heard the deadly sound._

_The cocking of a gun._

_He turned around to see Vanessa standing in front of the car aiming a gun at him._

_Fear coursed through his veins as she slowly lowered it, keeping it aimed at him._

_"Oh Daniel, look what we have here. You are trying so hard to keep me away from your father. Well guess what? Now I've taken you away from him so that you will never get in my way again."_

_Dan shivered as the realization that he had been kidnapped set in. He wanted to run, but the gun aimed directly at him served as the rope that kept him tethered to the spot._

_"I won't shoot you, Daniel. That is, if you don't try to fight me. Any other struggle against me will result in some, shall I say, deadly consequences," She snickered._

_Dan's mind was racing a mile a minute. The fear that he felt was stronger than anything he had ever felt before._

_Suddenly, he heard a shout from his right, "What are you doing Vanessa?" She dropped the gun as both her and Dan whipped their heads towards the yell._

_James was stood, arms crossed. Never in his life had Dan been happier to see his dad._

_Before she could say anything, James grabbed Dan's arm and yanked it to his car. He could have sworn he saw a sinister smile on the lips of Vanessa as he jumped into the car and drove away._

_Dan was crying silently, scared that by making a noise it would make his dad angry. It seemed that he had nothing to fear, however, when he noticed this father's focused expression. The features on his face etched into a look of concentration. It was sort of like he was blocking out his surroundings._

_Dan decided to get some sleep. He had been through a wide range of emotions in the past hour and it had honestly been quite draining._

_He woke to a hand shaking him, he opened his eyes to lights blaring from all directions._

_"Where are we, dad?" He asked._

_"The airport. You and I are going on a little trip away from here."  
_

_Dan figured it was for his dad to have some time away from Vanessa. He probably wasn't expecting her to ever do such a thing._

_"What about Adrian?" Dan asked as he got out of the car. He feared his brother would be staying with Vanessa and she would do the same thing to him._

_"He's staying at a friend's house for the next three days, he'll be fine."_

_The two made their way through the airport. It wasn't until they got through security that Dan noticed neither of them had any bags of their things. He also had no idea where they were going to. He kept asking his father these questions but he was barely answering them, so had just walked beside him in silence._

_When they got to the gate, Dan saw he was going to San Francisco, California. He couldn't help but be a little excited. He had never been to America, and the thought that his dad might start being nice to him left a smile on his face. By this point, his hopes were high. But it became apparent that having his hopes up ended in disaster._

_The plane ride was fine, as he had fallen asleep for most of it. When he got off the plane however, things began to go down hill._

_"How long are we here for?" Dan asked._

_"God dammit Daniel shut your bloody mouth up you've been asking me questions nonstop since we left," his father snapped._

_"That's because when I woke up last night we were just at the airport and I still don't know why we are here. Can't you just answer my questions, they aren't very hard."_

_"That's it," Dan's father said as he grabbed his arm harshly and yanked him to a restroom nearby. He roughly shoved Dan to the ground when they were in the private room. The sudden impact caused him to land on his arm strangely and he let out a yelp in pain. James then continued to punch, kick, and slap Dan until his anger finally let up._

_"You're a fucking pathetic excuse for a son! Most children just listen to their parents, but you have to go on and be all defiant don't you? Think about it. You're so awful that your own mum is trying to forget you ever existed."_

_Dan wanted to cry and scream and hit his father back for the words he was saying. He didn't want the words to get him but they did. He just laid helplessly on the ground._

_After a while, his father looked at his watch, "We've been in here too long. Get up so we can leave."_

_Dan limped around the rest of the airport clutching his arm. He didn't know how bad he looked, but judging by the disgusted stares people were giving he is assumed pretty bad._

_They made it to the hotel and decided to get some rest. As it turned out, this trip didn't go as Dan thought it would've._

_He spent most of the time in the hotel room while his dad went out for hours on end. Dan didn't mind, his arm hurt to much to enjoy doing anything other than lying in bed._

_Three days went by, each day the same as before. Dan went to bed on the third night wondering when he was going to go home, and what was going to happen between his dad and Vanessa now that she had both kidnapped and threatened to kill him._

_He woke up that morning being blinded by the sunlight shining through the window. The first thing he noticed was that his dad wasn't in the room, but it didn't phase Dan as he hadn't been in the room every other morning he had woken up._

_Dan climbed out of the bed to close the curtain, one which he didn't remember being open when he fell asleep, when he noticed a small piece of paper on the desk in the corner of the room._

_He recognized the writing to be his father's, so he picked up the note and began to read._

 

_" Daniel, you are a fucking pathetic excuse for a child. The love of my life wants you dead, I only stopped her from killing you because the blood on her hands would be bad for my company._

_I want to make something very clear to you; you are now forgotten. You will never see anyone you ever loved again. They all believe you’re dead, and figuratively, you are. You’re dead to me and you're dead to the world. You have until noon today to get out of the room, then you’re on your own."_

 

_The note fell out of his hand as his knees buckled underneath him and he collapsed onto the floor. His body was shaking, breathing went in and out quickly as if he had just run a marathon. No tears fell from his eyes as he felt a numbness taking over him. He felt devoid of all emotion._

_The first thing he realized was that this was all just a big ploy to get rid of himself. He figured his dad probably knew about the kidnapping, it had to all be planned. James was never mad at Vanessa, he was worried she was just going to blow his cover with the sound of a gunshot._

_The second thing he realized was that he had just been abandoned in America with no place to go._

_He felt lost and alone as he continued to violently shake on the ground until he finally regained composure and began his new life._

_And what a rough one it was going to be._

___________________________________________________

_Dan had been homeless for about three months now, and in those three months he had decided one major thing._

_He was going to do everything he could to get back home._

_Sure his "homelife" wasn't exactly ideal, but he didn't realize how lucky he had it when he was living with is dad. James was yes, abusive, but at least Dan lived in a home with food, a bed, and heat. He had found a small alleyway to sleep in. It made him feel safe (or at least as safe as you could feel) because you could only enter and exit from one way._

_He pushed the large garbage dump to the side and marked a white line into the brick wall of the coffee shop the alley was next to. Day number 87. Today was Dan's fifth day working at the Mcdonald's nearby. He didn't get paid much, but at least he was getting something. He was going to try and save up to buy a plane ticket and go home, but it became clear that doing such a thing would take a very long time._

_Working at the Mcdonald's actually worked out pretty well. Since he wasn't in school, he could work during school hours. His shifts were longer but they were manageable. Usually there was a breakfast crowd, but after that it wasn't too bad until just after lunch time. The circumstances weren't ideal but he was getting paid and that's all that matters._

_Dan walked into the restaurant just in time to begin his day of work. After the usual breakfast crowd thinned out, his boss, Bryan, called him into the back room to talk to him. The "back room" was Bryan's unofficial office of sorts. Bryan's said he always worked best in a soundproof isolated room so that he wasn't distracted by customers when he was doing work._

_Now, Bryan wasn't a very intimidating person. He was probably in his early twenties. He was clearly using this job as an intro to business, and then moving on to much bigger things. It was this ambitious status that made Dan a little scared of the man. But even Dan had to admit, Bryan was a nice guy. When Dan was getting interviewed for the job, Bryan seemed to be really understanding of his situation, which made Dan feel a lot better about what was going on in his life. Dan trusted him. He knew he was probably trusting him too easily, but he really didn't care. Bryan seemed to understand his issues._

_But despite that, he still felt slightly anxious walking to the room._

_"Daniel! How are you doing? How had the first couple days on the job been?" Bryan asked. He was sitting at his desk but stood up as he saw Dan enter and shut the door._

_"It's been fine. Not ideal, obviously, but it has actually been working out really well. Thanks for being so understanding about everything," Dan said, scratching the back of his head._

_Bryan took a few steps forward so he was closer to Dan, "Of course, Daniel. No pretty boy like you deserves to be in the situation you're in." He began stroking Dan's arm. It kind of seemed almost.... sensual. Whatever it was, it was really starting to freak Dan out._

_"Was there a reason you called me i-in here?" Dan asked, his voice moving up an octave as Bryan started pushing Dan's hair back with one hand, and using his other to hold Dan's hand._

_"I just wanted to let you know you are doing such a great job working here, you make my job much more... fun," Bryan whispered into his ear, taking it into his mouth and biting his ear lobe._

_Before Dan could pull away Bryan smashed their lips together and began palming Dan. He tried to yell but it got muffled by the kiss._

_"Oh you can yell all you want sweety, with these sound proof walls no one will be able to hear a thing."_

_The 16 year old tried fighting Bryan off but Bryan ended up being much stronger than he looked. He shoved Dan towards one of the walls and pinned him to it, connecting their lips once his body was firmly holding Dan in place._

_Dan groaned in frustration but felt himself getting hard. He certainly wasn't liking this, why was he getting hard?  
_

_"I can feel it baby, you're enjoying this right?" Bryan said, pressing down on Dan's growing bulge. He couldn't help but moan as a burst of pleasure shot through him. Once the initial shock was over, panic set in as Dan didn't know how far this was going to go. He was still a virgin, and he really didn't want to lose his virginity to this monster._

_As time went on things kept going further and further. Dan was flipped so his stomach was facing the wall. His jeans were ripped down and he immediately felt pain as a wet object pushed against his entrance. He sobbed as Bryan put his hand over Dan's mouth and began pounding into him. The searing pain was too much for Dan, he felt like he was being split open. It didn't last for too long, but for Dan it felt like it had been hours. Finally Bryan finished and kissed Dan one more time before telling him to get back to work._

_"I'll see you tomorrow," Bryan whispered seductively into his ear._

_Dan bolted straight from the room outside and limped back to the alley. He didn't care he was missing work, he just needed to get away. He couldn't help the choked sobs that left his body. He looked like an absolute mess and he felt dirty. He could feel Bryan's hands all over his body and it made him want to vomit. He kept crying, hugging his legs as he melted to the floor._

_Dan continued to cry because he knew that he had to go back in tomorrow. He had no other way of making money. Dan knew that's why Bryan did it, he could get away with it. Dan couldn't quit either, he had made it very clear to Bryan that this job was his only option. To make matters worse is that Bryan knows he won't get caught because Dan can't tell anyone. One, he has no one to tell and two, by telling someone it would only be discovered that he was staying in the country illegally._

_After ages of crying he finally decided that he was going to bare it so that he could keep his job. It was probably a bad decision, but he felt like he had no other choice._

______________________________________

_For a while, the money seemed like the most important thing. But after a full 6 months of staying in that job and getting raped by Bryan constantly, he finally quit. Bryan was mad at him, he said that Dan would never find another job and would probably die without the income, but Dan held his ground and left that day feeling better than he had in months._

_He ended up working at the library where he met a very nice older woman by the name of Ms. Kentwood. She was very sweet and she gained Dan's trust very quickly. Unfortunately, the job only lasted about a month and a half. He was barely getting paid anything because his age and qualifications only let him be an intern. He ended up using the library as his version of a school. He spent hours upon hours reading, and Ms. Kentwood always was willing to help him out if need be._

_Dan's biggest issue at the moment was getting money. He no longer trusted fast-food chain restaurants, which were the only jobs that he could be hired for. He had to come to terms with the fact that he was never going back to england again. The thought made him shed some tears that night as he fell into a deep, restless sleep._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: abuse, attempted kidnap, death threats, homelessness, and rape. (I think that's all of them)
> 
> I just want to start out by saying I have absolutely nothing against Mcdonald's, it just so happens to be the location where some VERY bad things happen. 
> 
> Also, I hope that by uploading twice this week makes up for the lack of uploads recently. I don't think it will happen again but who knows schedules are unpredictable. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	15. communication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I know I haven't been as frequent with uploads (haha sorry about that I'm working on it) but I just wanted to let you know that for the next two weeks I will be in Thailand so I wont be able to upload. I'm planning on writing the first part of the next chapter now so that I can post as soon as I get back, but let's face it with my current "upload schedule" I can't make any promises. 
> 
> This is kinda just a filler chapter that gives details for chapters to come but I still hope you enjoy it!

After the car ride back to Phil's flat, Dan collapsed on the couch and put is hands over his face. After not only seeing Adrian but also having flashbacks, Dan was emotionally exhausted. Phil, of course, noticed and took all of Dan's things to his room for him without asking any questions. Dan knew Phil was like that, never asking personal questions if it seemed like an invasion, but he knew that he should probably tell Phil anyway.

And hey, this could be a good thing. Phil was constantly bringing up getting Dan a therapist, and while Dan wasn't too keen on the idea, he knew it was best for him. He had been able to relive part of his horrific story with his brother, now all he had to do was open the gate a little more for Phil. He trusted Phil, he really liked Phil, and he knew that by telling him only good things could come out of it.

Dan stood up to got a cup and fill it with water in the kitchen. He then took it back to the couch and sat down.

"Phil!" Dan called.

"Yeah?" Phil answered as he walked into the lounge and sat next to Dan on the couch.

"Okay I've got a glass of water and I'm sitting down so I promise I won't faint this time."

"Wait, wha-"

"I'm going to tell you about my past, Phil. I want you to know why I'm so fucked up."

Phil sat in stunned silence. Dan really trusted him enough to tell him everything.

"Phil I can tell you're overthinking this. I really really want to tell you. And after today I know you have questions.

Phil couldn't deny that Dan was right, his mind raced with questions that he refused to search the answers for unless Dan told him directly. But this was his chance, Dan really wanted this, so Phil took a deep breath and let Dan speak.

______________________________________________________

It had been an emotional conversation to say the least. Both men were in tears after only a minute of talking. Never in Phil's life had he ever felt a sadness so deep for another person. It left a tight, squeezing sensation on his heart that he hated. The two had started by facing each other on the couch, but slowly made their way into each other's arms as Dan's story progressed. Dan had rested his head on Phil's chest, hugging him tightly, while Phil rested his chin on Dan's head. He stroked the brunette's hair and gently rubbed his back. It was the most emotionally draining conversation either of them had ever had.

An important aspect of this conversation was not only getting the story out, but it made Dan realize how much a therapist could help him. The moment he finished telling Phil everything that had happened to him the last few years felt like he could finally put the heavy weight he was carrying down and breathe. They called Lillian and scheduled to have the first session tomorrow since it was Phil's last day off work and neither of them had anything else to do. It had been a long day to say the least. 

Needless to say, a few hours later, Dan was tucked into bed while Phil kept bringing in tea and other small snacks. They also ordered a pizza, which they ate in Dan's room while watching an anime on Phil's laptop. They both were lying under the sheets together, so close they could feel the other's body heat radiating off of them, but neither of them minded. It seemed that neither of them wanted to be alone that night, so the unspoken decision was made to just stay in Dan's room. 

It was nearing 11pm when Phil remembered that special little purchase he had made earlier. It had been a long day, but he knew this gift couldn't wait.

He jumped out of the bed and walked into his room, grabbing the box that he had put in a small bag with tissue paper. As he walked back into Dan room, he saw the concerned look on the youngers face slowly disappear. 

"What's that?" Dan asked, sitting up.

"I knew you wouldn't let me buy this for you if I told you about it, but while you were with Adrian I couldn't help myself." Phil said, giving the bag to Dan and crawling back under the sheets. 

Dan peered at the bag carefully before pulling out the tissue paper and the small box inside. It was white and heavy, Dan had no idea what it was.

"iphone," Dan read as he flipped the box over, "Phil did you get me a fucking phone?" He asked looking up at Phil.

"I know you think it's a waste of money, but think about it Dan. First off, after tomorrow I'm back at work and we're gonna need some way to communicate. But I mean besides that I figured you could use it to stay in contact with Adrian."

There was a brief pause and Phil started to question whether or not this was a good idea when Dan grabs him in a bone crushing hug. 

"I've never had a phone before, can we start using it now?" Dan asked, a pleading look in his eyes. 

"Only for a little bit, we should probably get to sleep soon."

They spent the next hour playing around on the device. Dan quickly learned how to use all the buttons and what each of the apps did. Phil could replay the facial expression that crossed Dan face the moment he put his number as the first contact of the phone. By this point, they were just going through the apps one by one so Dan could really play around with them .  

"What's this one?" Dan asked pointing to one of the apps.

"It's called voice memos, you can record audio with it."

Dan clicked on the app, eyes fixated to the screen like a child staring at candy in a candy shop. 

"Watch this," Phil said as he pressed the red button, "Hi Dan, it's Phil," He said before pressing the button again and hitting play on the new recording that appeared. 

Phil smiled as he saw Dan's face light up at the sound of his voice being played back on the phone. He chuckled a little bit, voice memos was an app he never used, but the fact that Dan loved it so much made it his new favorite.

Since Dan didn't have many other apps on his phone, the two finished their night by making short little audio messages on voice memos. It was actually quite stupid to be honest, but neither of them wanted it any other way. 

As they slept, with Phil on his back and Dan's head resting on Phil's chest, Phil couldn't help but feel that now that everything was out in the open things would start getting better for Dan. And that thought made him so happy that he slept with a smile on his face. 

The morning went by in a bit of a blur. They woke up, had breakfast, got ready, and headed out to Lillian's office for Dan's therapy session. Dan was a little nervous, and Phil could tell. Dan would grab onto his hand every chance he got, and don't get it wrong Phil loved when Dan held his hand, but he hate how it meant that Dan was feeling scared deep down. They made the compromise to have Phil attend the sessions with Dan until he was more comfortable and could do it himself. 

"Hello boys," Lillian greeted as they stepped into her office. It was a cozy space, a pastel pink and light green theme was present. She had her desk area, some book cases, and also a corner of the room with some bean bag chairs.

"Hey, Lillian. Dan asked if I could join him for a little until he gets comfortable enough to be here by himself, is that alright?" Phil asked.

"Of course! Anything you can do to make yourself feel better," She said, looking at Dan, "Now before we get started, there is some paperwork you have to fill out. It basically states that you can't sue me if things go wrong here. It's been a while since I was in the "therapy field"," She said making air quotes. Phil laughed but Dan still looked nervous. Phil reached out to squeeze Dan's hand, who squeezed back and gave a small smile. 

They quickly filled out all paperwork and sat in the bean bags to begin. Lillian insisted that they all sit on the bean bags as opposed to real chairs because it served as a more comfortable atmosphere, which no one argued with. 

"Now I don't know if you know this Daniel, but I used to be Phil's therapist." She said, pulling her hair behind her ear. 

"Really?" Dan said as he looked to Phil.

"Yeah, it was right after Jayden died. She really helped me, that's how I know she will help you."

Dan thought to himself for a moment. Phil seemed to him like a big ball of sunshine, he always tired to stay happy and optimistic. If Lillian could help Phil when he was sad, he trusted her to do the same for him. 

"Oh good, Philip told you about Jayden. That makes what I'm about to do a lot easier," She said, now picking up her clipboard and pencil, "I can sense that you're still a little unsure about this, Daniel. I want to make sure that you are in your best state of mind possible. To do that I'm going to start by talking to Phil, that way you can understand how the session will go."

They both agreed and she turned toward Phil to begin questioning. 

"So it's been about a year since the last session, how would you describe your emotional state recently? Or at least how it has been within the last year?" 

"I've been doing great. I can't say that I'm back to how I was before his death, and I don't think I ever will be, but work has been a great distraction."

"No one expects for anything to go back to how it was. The fact that you are rebounding and maintaining positivity is astounding and I can tell everyone is very proud of you. I don't think it's necessary, but if you're ever feeling a little down feel free to call me, okay?" 

Phil nodded.

"How about your goals, I have the list here. Any old ones I should cross off or new ones to add on?" Lillian asked.

"Well I have a stable job that I love. And I have gotten to the point where I can think about Jayden without getting upset, so you can cross both of those off. I can't think of any to add off the top of my head but I'm sure I can come up with them on my own," Phil said.

Lillian then turned to Dan, "So now you have a taste of what this is going to be like. Now I have a request that I know we just sorted out but I want to try something. Is it alright if we start the session without Phil in the room? I know you feel most comfortable with him here, so if him leaving right now is out of the picture I totally understand, but I think for you to get the best idea of what these sessions will be like you should be in here alone for a few minutes." Lillian said. 

Dan looked over at Phil, who could sense Dan's nerves coming back.

"Dan, I trust Lillian with my life. I really think you should try this. I'll be right outside." Phil said, taking Dan's hand and holding it in the way he knew calmed Dan down. 

Once Dan agreed, Phil left the room, leaving just him and Lillian. 

"Daniel, I can sense that your not in the best state of mind right now. So before we begin this session I want to start with a little introduction. I will never- and I mean ever- pressure you into telling me things or push you into major changes quickly. In this room, we move at your pace. You are in complete control, I merely ask the questions and make suggestions. You can tell as much or as little as you want about anything. It doesn't just have to be about your past also. If you just want to talk about your day, or what you ate for breakfast, that's totally fine. And if you ever feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, let me know and we can make adjustments immediately." 

Dan liked the sound of that. He honestly liked the sound of all of that. He always imagined going to a therapist would be like being interrogated, but this seemed awfully nice. 

"So what exactly do we do during the sessions?" Dan asked. 

"That's a very good question. Now, typically, we will just have a conversation, however, what goes on during our sessions is only half of what goes into this whole recovery process. Phil, for example, has a goal list of things he wishes to accomplish. He finds it easiest to distract himself by coming up with goals and following them. You will eventually find your tactic of recovery, but until then, it's all about experimenting and being open to get out of your comfort zone a little."

Dan's face scrunched up. He didn't like the sound of 'getting out of his comfort zone'. He was hardly comfortable sitting in the room, let alone doing whatever Lillian has in store.

"Don't worry, Dan. Today is not about experimenting or anything like that. In fact, we aren't going to talk about your past at all today."

"We aren't?" 

"If at any point you feel the need to talk about it, feel free. But today we are going to forget the past and talk about the present," she paused as Dan's face molded into an expression of confusion, "I understand you have had issues when speaking about your past, so I thought we could start out by talking about more current events. How has your week been?"

"A rollercoaster," Dan said.

"How so?"

"Well within the last week I have moved from San Francisco to London with Phil, had a couple panic attacks, fainted a bunch from getting over anxious, and saw my brother for the first time in two years yesterday. It's been a long week." Dan said with a sigh. It really went by so fast. 

'Wow, you weren't wrong when you said it was a long week. Well let's focus on the good parts of the week, care to highlight some of those for me?"

"Well getting out of San Francisco was good because it was horrible to me there. And I mean seeing my brother was bitter sweet. Our childhood might not have been great but at least we got back together. Also Phil has been absolutely amazing to me."

"What in particular has he done to make you happy?" Lillian asked, clutching her notes but still looking as Dan.

"So much. He always looks after me when I have my panic attacks, he buys me food and clothes because I have no money to get them on my own. I mean he's letting me live with him, and he bought me a phone because I never had one and he knew I could use it to stay in touch with my brother. And he's so patient. Last night when he gave me the phone, I refused to put it down until he taught me how to work everything. I would've been so annoyed at me if I was him, but he just kept answering all my questions." Dan said, the last memory of last night leaving a smile on his face.

"That seems like a good memory to unpack, could you describe it more for me please?" Lillian asked.

Dan then proceeded to tell her about his night, how he was feeling emotionally drained and Phil just came in a changed his somber mood. He described how they were sitting in bed and he was given the phone, and went into detail about each app and how Phil explained everything so it was easy for him to understand. His face even lit up as he told her about his discovery of voice memos and how he could always have Phil's voice on his phone. 

"It sounds like you had a lot of fun. Phil really knows how to cheer a person up. Speaking of Phil, have you two touched on what you will be doing while he is at work? Because if I'm not mistaken he returns tomorrow and it seems like you require his assistance throughout the day." Lillian pointed out.

"Well to tell the truth I'm actually kind of scared of Phil going to work. I really have been relying on him these past few days and I'm worried that when he goes back he will become to busy to be with me. It's not like I want him to be with me 24/7, but what if I have a panic attack while he is not home. I just don't want to make any bad decisions." Dan admits. 

"Alright, I might have a solution. I think an issue you might have is the fact that you barely have any idea what Phil does for a living. Ask if you can come into work with him tomorrow just to see what it's all about. Maybe you could get a job there as well, since you mentioned that was something you were looking for."

Lillian does make a point, it really would be killing two birds with one stone. 

"Okay, I'll ask him," Dan said. 

"Great! And before you leave, one more thing," She said while standing up.

Dan hadn't realized the full 45 minutes was already up. Well that wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. 

"You talked about how interesting it was that you could hear Phil's voice from your phone earlier, and I really think we could utilize that. I want your goal for this week to be to make a voice recording of you and Phil a few times a day. Just explain what you are doing, describe your location, talk about what you're wearing, just say anything. It might seem weird at first, but I think it will keep you more grounded and will help you in situations where you find yourself to be uncomfortable. Also, if you ever get nervous and Phil's not around, you can play them to not only hear his voice, but hear yourself in a more stable surrounding." Lillian says, then tucks some stray hairs behind her ear.

Dan agreed with the goal. They invited him back in the room. Even though they had only planned for Phil to leave for a little while, Dan got so comfortable talking that Lillian didn't bother to let him back in. Phil didn't mind either, since he knew that 1) therapy sessions were supposed to be private and 2) Dan being able to talk by himself was a good thing. 

Lillian told Phil all about her voice memos idea, which he agreed he would help Dan stay on top of making them. Phil also said he would ask his boss if he could bring Dan into work, something that Phil was secretly excited for as he could introduce Dan to all of his coworkers and hopefully show him that working at the BBC was super rewarding. 

When Phil got the confirmation that it was alright for Dan to come in, both boys were very excited. Little did they know that by taking Dan to a place Phil always saw as amazing they would run into one of Dan's worst nightmares face to face. 

What a wild ride they were in for. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So hopefully that will help clear up any confusion for further chapters. Once again thank you for reading and enjoy!


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